1 Month…

It’s been 1 month since I got to snuggle my little Ju Ju B.  One month since I got to feel her fuzzy head.  1 Month since I smothered her in kisses.  And 1 month since I’ve had to say goodbye.

The journey has been a crazy one to say the least, and this knew transition is no different.  There are moments when I feel as though this whole last 6 months have been a dream.  Almost like I have to force myself to look at pictures to remember it really did happen.  It’s quite surreal.  No nursery was set up for Jules, not many clothes were boughten.  She had one bottle, one nuk, and a few blankies.  After she died the clothes got washed and ready to return to those who borrowed them to us, the swing was put back in the shed along with her carseat.  The nuks and bottles were put away…and it’s almost as though she were never here.  All except for her blanket that I snuggle with and sleep with some nights, that still has a faint smell of her.

For the 38 days she was here, time stood still.  I barely left the house, the phone only rang a couple of times (people were so respectful)  and I held Miss Jules for 22 of the 24 hours in a day:)  I slept with her every night, I took baths with her, I ate with her in my lap.  She was my life.  And then I had to give her away.

That night I went to sleep without a bundle on my chest, I woke up late with no crying interfering my sleep. Schedules went back to the way they were before.  In a few days there were no signs a baby had been here, only the hole in our hearts.  The emptiness we felt.  and the memories we have.

Surreal.

That’s the only way I can describe it.

Boy how I miss you baby girl….Happy 1 month dancing little lady!

 After Jules’ funeral we let go 38 balloons for the 38 days she was here with us.

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9 Responses to 1 Month…

  1. Hannah says:

    My mom passed on the link to your blog, and haven’t read much yet, but this post meant so much to me.

    I’m just about to the one month mark that God took my little baby girl to heaven too. Words aren’t enough to say how much I feel for you, and although each situation has its own unique pain, I feel a part of that pain. It’s encouraging for me to be able to see how you are stepping forward with the grace that God gives, and know that, even though it’s a day by day process, God gives us the strength to make it through each day. So, thank you for being such a Godly example.

  2. John Torkelson says:

    Your courage and honesty is inspiring. I am wiping tears from my eyes. I cannot imagine the ache of giving away your baby after 38 days. May God envelop you with his loving arms today and the days to come. My family is praying for yours as you both mourn your loss and celebrate your little ones life here and now with God in heaven!

  3. Gail Nelson says:

    OH, this brings tears to my eyes, what a precious little bundle, I know she is so missed and is looking down.
    My grandaughter Hannah told me when we send balloons to heaven that Jesus reaches out and grabs one too , that she saw his hand. Jules is sitting right up there with him and snuggling and no oxygen tubes are needed. God Bless you all.

  4. beth schwecke says:

    you are soooo great at telling your story for us..thank you for that.I keep thinking that if someone goes through this journey how awesome [for lack of a better word] were all of you to feel such love and warmth in your hearts for each other and your sweet baby girl got to be here to feel that to…. God bless.

  5. God bless, you continue to be in our thoughts…

  6. mugsie says:

    oooooo she was here Allie!!! and she touched many hearts too. Keep sharing to help you heal and know others love you and care for you!!!!! You and Your family have blessed so many by sharing your story!!!!
    xxxxoooo
    mugsie

  7. I’m so sorry for your pain but grateful for memories. May the peace of God which transcends all understanding guard your heart and mind sweet sister in Christ. She is your guardian angel now.

  8. Tabitha Olson says:

    I have followed along with Jules days on this earth. My heart is overwhelmed with how you have entrusted our lord. Your picture with this post has tears streaming down. Blessings to you at this time.

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