Faith

A Momma’s Heart

2013

I remember before we had kiddos, and all I had to think about in this world was myself and the hubby. But lets be honest, mostly myself. We seem to be selfish by nature.

Then I had Tate.

Boy did that blow the selfishness right out of the water, and honestly I had bit of a hard time adjusting. I dreamed of being a Momma my whole life and when it actually came to be I remember having a melt down and crying, “I’m never gonna get to sleep in again!” Ha. The hormones didn’t help.

I did settle into motherhood though, and soon new worries seemed to take over. I remember one night thinking of how much responsibility is truly on us for raising these kiddos. I was worried I wasn’t going to raise them with a strong enough integrity, or love for others, or even more, a love for God.

And lately the worries seem to creep up more and more. Maybe its the changes I see in the world. Maybe it’s that my kids are getting older. Or maybe it’s because I realize now more than ever how short lived this world is and how eternity is waiting. My kids souls are at stake. As sweet and tender as their hearts are now, and how much they love Jesus, I know He gave us each free will. And as much as I wish we could love Jesus for them, I have to realize that that is going to have to be their own personal choice they have to make. And in a world with mixed morals, subtle messages everywhere, and worldly draws, I have realized that the only thing I can do is PRAY.

Pray like crazy for their hearts.

And pray that they make the right decisions.

And even when they fail, pray they come back. Pray the Lord grabs hold of their hearts. Pray they decide to love Jesus and make their relationship their own.

and this verse always seems to bring hope..

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6

Another lesson we learned with Jules: these kids are not ours, we just get the honor of raising them before they get to go home to be with Jesus. So my challenge to you, as well as myself, is when you find yourself getting worried/nervous/uptight–PRAY. As this world has gotten scarier, my relationship with Jesus has gotten stronger, because I know that He’s the one constant in it all. He never changes. He never fails. He is our only hope. And their hope:) So I’ll keep praying!!

Filed Under: Faith, Family

A Relationship

2013

6 Comments

You know how relationships always evolve? Like when I first moved here, I so desperately wanted friends I ended up chasing down a sweet girl at church and opened my mouth to an outpouring of nonsense and somehow managed to invite them over for dinner. By the end of the conversation though I was red and blotchy and saying to myself, what did I say???? Thanks Em for not judging:)

And then pretty soon it gets to the point where you start to hang out, to texting, to laughing about how you first met. You know the routine. But the thing is, IT TAKES TIME! And then there’s the relationship with the hubby. You go through the “dating” phase and think you are in a wonderful fairy tale with all glitter and sparkles:) Then you get married and live together, at least that’s how we did it:) And that’s when you realize, I did marry my father:):) Love you babe! But the point I’m getting at is until you live together, and see each other 24 hours a day, through thick and thin, makeup and no makeup, pms and cramping…you don’t TRULY know the whole side of the other person! There are levels. Levels to all relationships.

And isn’t it wonderful when our relationship gets to the point where we can 100% be ourselves. We don’t have to try, it doesn’t have to be awkward, we don’t have to get blotchy while talking or second guess everything we are saying?? That’s when we truly know they will love us no matter what.

My relationship with Jesus has been quite the same. I must say, it has gone through so many “levels.” But if we truly are in a relationship with Jesus, than our relationship should change, just like our relationships with friends and hubbys change…they evolve.

My relationship with Jesus started as a kid and grew through high school, where I learned a lot of the character of God and stories of the Bible. My knowledge of Jesus and God grew leaps and bounds.

Then I headed out to college and was on my own. The Lord placed amazing girls in my life who had such a passion for Jesus. Soon my relationship went from a knowledge of God, to a relationship with God. I desired to spend time with Him in prayer and I desired what they had. Isn’t that crazy how we can just see Jesus in other people and it makes us want it all the more. The bugger about this time in my life though, was that I started to fear God. Now the fear of God is a good thing, but I saw verses like…

Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’ Matthew 7:22-23.

and I thought to myself??? What if He says that to me? I would miss a morning devotion and feel as though God were so disappointed in me. I constantly was trying to live up to what I “thought” God wanted me to be. Soon I learned that this was not healthy. It was not works or good deeds, or spending daily time in the word that would get me into heaven. Sure it was all good stuff, but I was missing the point.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith–and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- Ephesians 2:8

I didn’t need to DO anything. Except accept, and truly believe God loved me. I was freed from the unhealthy fear I had of Jesus and was able to focus on who God truly was. God is love!

After college I ended up moving out to the middle of nowhere (oh wait, that’s where I still am:) and only knew 2 people. My sister and brother-in-law. I ended up living with them in their upstairs for almost a year until mister wonderful came along;) At this point in my life though I needed Jesus in a whole new way. I had no one else. At least that’s how I was feeling. I had no friends (in the close vicinity) to fall back on, no boyfriend of the sort. All I had was Jesus. This time was so sacred to me. My relationship grew leaps and bounds. I needed Him. I remember Friday nights where I would just spend journaling, praying, and praising God to praise and worship music. They were pretty amazing dates if I do say so myself! And God met me. I felt Him in almost a tangible way. During this time God was preparing me for my husband, and brought him to me in a miraculous way:) When I thought I gave up everything, the Lord showed me he was preparing something wonderful for me. If you want to read about how Ryan and I met you can read it here.

Soon we got married and not much longer babies came into the picture. I felt the closeness of Jesus slip away. My attention was torn in so many different directions. I tried so hard to get back to that intimate time I had with Jesus and just couldn’t seem to get there. I would get frustrated, try again, and give up again. But through this time Jesus never left me. This was a point in my life where I started to build relationships. Relationships that would show me Jesus in a whole new way.

And then came Jules. The biggest test of my faith. This is where I was able to see the whole of my relationship with Jesus come to fruition. I could look back in my life and understand why the Lord took me through each step that He did. And I praised God for it! I praised Him for the knowledge of who He is that I learned as a child. I praised him for the dependence on Him I experienced as a young adult all by myself, and I praised God for the time that I thought was a drought, when He allowed me to grow relationships and see Jesus through others. It was at this moment that God gave me such clarity. He showed me that He had NEVER left me. He was ALWAYS right there. He was PREPARING me.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Phillipians 1:6

In some ways, I wish everyone could go through an experience like we had with Jules. Not because it was easy, because it wasn’t. Not because anyone wants to experience loss, because we don’t. But because of the way we got to EXPERIENCE GOD. It was AMAZING. And it’s something that is so hard to try to explain. My relationship grew to a much deeper level through it. I took everything I had learned in my 29 years of life. The knowledge, the truth, the intimacy, the love, the relationships, and used it all in this one life changing experience. And in the end I had a better understanding of what is truly important in life. It’s been a process, but the Lord is helping me to see eternal, instead of earthly. The bigger picture. God showed me that He is good, all the time, by bringing about peace and love in the most difficult circumstances. He poured His love on us through relationships we had created with so many different people. He blessed us and allowed us to see just a bit of the eternal impact that Jules’ had, that kept us going, and still allows us to be so humbled and grateful that we got to carry this gift. He held our hands the entire time and never let us go.

That’s where my relationship with God has gone, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I’m sure there are many triumphs and trials yet to come, and I pray that through them all I continue to grow closer to Jesus. Because in the end it really doesn’t matter how much money I have, what my house looks like, what political party I vote for, how many people like me. In the end it really only matters that I get to spend eternity with Jesus. And see all my family and friends in eternity as well!

Filed Under: Faith

Easter Happiness…

2013

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I love Easter. I love that it is a culmination of events that tells the best story of all times. I love that it allows me to reflect every year on what my Savior actually did for me, something that we can so easily overlook. The ultimate sacrifice!

For that reason we really don’t do the Easter bunny at our house. Everyone asks the kids if they have visited the Easter Bunny yet and they look at them with a dazed and confused look:) I have nothing against him, trust me. And we have traditions that we still love to do on Easter, I just want the kids to be more excited about Jesus and what He did for them. I can’t tell you how many times my kids said, Jesus is risen! He is risen indeed. All day long:) It made my heart happy!Sometimes I think we have to incorporate gifts for the kids to be excited. At least I have felt that way. And this year when we didn’t, I couldn’t believe how happy and excited they were for Easter without presents. Maybe it’s because I made an extra effort to be so outwardly excited for what God did, and they picked up on it. Or maybe it’s just because they have that child-like faith and when you tell them someone died for them they are genuinely amazed. Either way, Tate was sad we had to wait a whole year for Easter to come again. He said, I love that Jesus came alive today:) The good news is that he STAYS alive!

So, I thought I’d share a bit of our Easter with you. We started out at my friends house dying eggs and making crafts….

oops…I forgot the important part….

chocolate.

All good days must start with chocolate:)

Isn’t bam bam cute:)

The boys needed a little extra help:)

But they still loved it!

And after a quick lunch we started the Easter eggs…

everyone was so excited:)

Some may think I would have gotten all Pinterest-y on this project…

not so much.

then I would have gotten all perfectionistic..

it was way more fun to just let the kiddos do their thing…

I boiled eggs…

And Brittany bought the packs…

and they turned out perfect:)

Not even 1 spill…

Success!

We had egg salad for lunch today:)

I just have to show a couple more pics of these 2 cuties on Sunday morning…

Their faces crack me up..

They really do love each other:)

I was a sucker for this huge pink easter dress:)

Oh, and the sparkly shoes:)

and I forgot Tate had a cute vest from Christmas, so I made him take a few more pics:)

s.t.u.d.

cheesy smile:)

Hope you had a happy Easter!!

He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: ’The Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.

Luke 24:6-7

Filed Under: Faith, Family

Training Up Our Children

2013

8 Comments

I started writing a blog about our little family adventures over the last month, but when I went to upload pictures from my camera I realized my battery is dead. So, it looks like I won’t be doing that at the moment.

What has been so heavy on my heart lately though, is parenting. Specifically parenting in a world where women are mainly looked at as sex symbols, lust is acceptable, and almost encouraged, daytime television can’t be watched because of commercials that are slightly pornographic, and waiting for marriage is mocked.

I read a couple of days ago how Victoria Secret is now launching a new line aimed toward middle school aged girls with thongs that say call me and lacy undies that say lucky. Even more than being outraged….I’m just so sad. Sad that money means more than morals. Sad that purity seems to be fading fast, and sad that modesty has been thrown out the window.

I read this article over at A Holy Experience, which is Ann Voskamps blog. She is amazing! It talked about how God values women and how He views them. How they are to be cherished and treasured treated as precious and pure. And more importantly, it talked about how we can teach our young boys these values. So they can grow up and treat women the way God intended it. I think we need to be purposeful in training up our boys to think in this way. They have been and will continue to be bombarded with what the world says, so our voice needs to be louder. Our training needs to be more meaningful. And our actions need to back it up. I pray for Tate often, but my prayers have started to change. I pray for the man he will become. I pray for his heart to be shaped with integrity and love. I pray he can see people the way God views them, not the world.

I’ll never forget when my pastor was talking about how some people say you just need to walk with your head down so you don’t see immodest women. He joked and said then you just start running into things. The real trick is to look at these women as a daughter of God. He said you’ll view them completely different then. I’m not a man, but that has stuck with me ever since, and it’s so true. We are all just flesh and blood, it’s how you view it that makes it different.

I have one beautiful little lady over here that is worth so much more than her outward appearance. She is a daughter of the most High God. She is precious, She is valued. She is treasured.

Lord, I pray you help me convey that to her every day.

For now, I’ll enjoy their innocence a bit longer:)

Filed Under: Faith, Family

Faith and Blessings

2013

10 Comments

I was laying in bed last night and asking the Lord what He wanted me to share. Having 2 sick kiddos the last three days, it seemed like parenting was screaming at me. But when I sat down to do my devos He lead me in another direction. It may seem redundant…but there seems to be so many people dealing with trials that have lost hope, or are having a hard time finding it. They want peace but they just can’t quite get there. Once you have felt that huge abundance of God peace in the darkest hours…you want everyone to be able to experience it! So again I share on placing 100% faith in God and receiving his faithfulness in return.

Let me start by saying I am no theologian. I went to Northwestern Bible College in the Twin Cities (best experience ever!) where you end up majoring in Bible as well as your other major. So I had to take some pretty deep classes. I am a student, school came pretty easy to me…but for some reason those Bible classes were the hardest classes I had to take. Ironic isn’t it?? My dad actually just brought my transcripts, he was going through his files, and my Bible classes were the lowest grades…once I started in my major, Elementary Ed, it was all A’s. (sorry, bragging alert:) Here’s what I’m saying. I have always had a blind faith in God. I put 100% belief in him at a young age an never looked back. I didn’t need to study deep into theology to test my beliefs, I just believed. I really look up to pastors, teachers, Bible study leaders that can look at one verse and can come up with an hour long message on it. I can not. I have also seen though how some people think too much, are too analytical, and don’t have enough faith to simply”believe.” And lets be honest, it takes faith in the Christian religion. If you didn’t have faith you would think it crazy that someone could speak the world into existence, walk on water, part the seas and bring people back to life.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. ~Hebrews 11:1

Blind faith.

Faith that God is good.

Faith He will take care of us.

Faith that this is not our home yet.

Faith that He says who He is and does what He says!

So this was my devo this morning that spoke to me from the book “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young.

Give up the illusion that you deserve problem-free life. Part of you is still hungering for the resolution of all difficulties. This is a false hope! As I told My disciples, in the world you will have trouble. Link your hope not to problem solving in this life but to the promise of an eternity of problem-free life in heaven. Instead of seeking Me: the Perfect One.

It is possible to enjoy Me and glorify Me in the midst of adverse circumstances In fact, My Light shines MOST BRIGHTLY (my caps!:) through believers who trust Me in the dark. That kind of trust is supernatural: a production of My indwelling Spirit When things seem all wrong, trust Me anyway. I am much less interested in right circumstances than in right responses to whatever comes your way.

He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. ~Psalm 112:7

So there’s my sermon for the day. And here’s my testimony. I truly believe that because Ryan and I chose, because it is a choice, to thank God in the darkest hours, and to trust He is good, all the time….he BLESSED us! Did we get our little girl back….no. Not yet, we will some day:) But we were blessed with relationships, with peace, indescribable peace, with Jesus love from so many others. We were blessed financially and taken care of. And one that spoke the loudest to us is how we were blessed by God’s people. We truly do believe that God uses people to love on us as well! There are too many amazing things we have received, and messages we’ve been sent to share them all, but I did want to share just a couple of things that truly touched my heart.

I received an email from a girl I had never met that wanted a picture of Jules for a project she was working on. It was around Christmas so I thought possibly an ornament or something of the sort. And then one day I got the cutest package in the mail.

I had never heard of Jewel Kade, so I opened it…

Cute packaging isn’t it?? And I found the most gorgeous necklace!

A sparkly “J” for Jules, and a pretty pink Jewel:)

And when I flipped it over it took my breath away!

My little sweetie!

I wore it to a birthday party awhile back and it was so fun to be able to share Jules story with people who didn’t know her. I was able to turn it around and show them and they said they got goosebumps. I love keeping her close:)

Super bad i phone pic but I took it to send to a friend that night:)

Thank you Nicole so much for this amazing gift! I will cherish it always! Jewel Kade is an awesome company and I’d love to add pieces to this necklace some day…if you wanna check it out you should chat with Nicole. You can find her site here.

The other amazingly thoughtful gift we got (among many) was this beautiful photo album.

It’s gorgeous linen personalized just for Ju Ju.

It’s so great to have a purposeful place to put Jules’ pictures, so we can remember her always.

and it’s full to the max:)

I got this sweet gift from the 2 sisters I nannied for. They became like family to me and this was beyond special! Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness Erika and Gretchen!!

I show you these gifts because I would describe them as extravagant. Above and beyond. And I know that people gave them to us, but to me it was an amazing reminder of how extravagant our God is, when we choose to trust Him. How he takes care of us and goes the extra mile to show His love for us. I pray you can feel God’s extravagant love today as well!

Filed Under: Faith

It’s in the Details….

2012

13 Comments

I was going to blog today and show you our Christmas, the kids had so much fun decorating the tree, but then a God story came up that was just too good to not share. I have been hearing from so many of you that are having a hard time finding peace with God and completely trusting Him in all things, even the really hard things we have to face. I so believe that this story is just another bit of evidence that if we can praise God through it all, he will sustain, he will deliver, and he will even make us smile and show us his huge amount of love for us.

This story is a bit complicated, so follow along:) It’s so worth it! Some of my college roommates lined up a girls night sunday for us to go out and get a pedicure and enjoy amazing food at Benihanas. (love that place!) I am so blessed with amazingly sweet Christian friends that have been there through marriages, babies, and now funerals. Love them! So I had already had plans for Sunday, when I get a facebook message from a girl I have never met, who proceeded to tell me that she had been following Jule’s story and had wanted to do something for us, so she felt compelled to write into our local christian radio station, KTIS and try to get us tickets for a Christian event that was being held at the Excel Engergy Center in St. Paul called The Story. It was an amazing show featuring many Christian artists that told the story of the Bible through song and video. She told them our story of Jules and they set aside two tickets for us to attend Sunday night at 7. Now I have to tell you that a lady from my church had messaged me even before all of this and said

We are going to be with Todd Smith from Selah on Sunday and thought of you again since you had their families song for Juliet’s video. Their story of their little girl is so powerful just like your journey with Juliet. If we can do ANYTHING let us know. If you would like to talk with Todd and/or his wife let me know and I will make the connections.

Seriously, God’s people are so full of love. Thank you so much Teresea! So, of course I would have loved to meet Angie Smith, Todd Smith from Selah’s wife. She wrote a book called, “I Will Carry You” that really comforted me and helped me cope when we first found out about Jules’ diagnosis.

I was a little bummed thinking I wouldn’t be able to make it since everything was lined up with my girls to have a night of fun, and I hate missing girl time:) but realized that our reservations at Benihanas were at 5, so Ryan could drive down and meet me in St. Paul at 7 and we could probably swing it. I just felt like I was supposed to be there. As we were sitting getting our pedicures, my good friend Tiff said her hubby was going to be there and knew the director of the whole event and could possibly get us back stage too. Crazy God, you are amazing. So needless to say I was excited to see what God had in store….

at the spa getting our nails done…

and enjoying some great food!

As we were eating at Benihanas I got a text from Teresea saying she got us “Meet and Greet” passes, so we could meet all of the artists after the show. I knew that Todd Smith from Selah would be there, but unsure of his wife, who I really wanted to meet.

As we got to the Xcel Center, Nick met us and gave us VIP badges to go backstage or anywhere…but me being so nervous nelly, didn’t use them except to bypass the line to get in:) He then texted me 15 minutes into the show and said he had talked to Todd Smith, and that Angie was in the audience watching the show. Todd was going to text her and see if we could try to meet up after. So cool!

Almost done…stick with me:)

After the show Ryan and I went down to the area where Meet and Greet was. We got ushered into a room with about 25 other people and were waiting for the artists to come, when Nick said, come with me guys. He took us past the big security guards:) into the back room where all the artists were hanging out. And guess who was there…

The cutest red head you have ever seen…Angie:) I just wanted to give her a big hug and tell her thank you for being a comfort to me in our journey, but her being the sweetest thing ever said, come chat with me…tell me your whole story! So, I got to chat with Angie Smith for about a half an hour telling her all about sweet Juliet and our journey. What was even neater was that this was only the second time she had ever come to The Story, in the two years they had done it. She only came last night because it was their twin girls 10th birthday so they wanted to meet up with Todd to spend some time together. I told her that that wasn’t the only reason she came…God had a divine intervention planned way before that:)

Getting to tell her our story…

and showing her pictures of sweet Jules’ and all of our blessings:)

Thanks so much Nick for snapping some pics:)

I tell you this story because 1.) I think it is so cool that I got to meet Angie, but even more important than that, to show you that God loves us so much that He would work out that many small details to show He cares about us. There are kids starving around the world, there are missionaries putting their life on the line, there are evangelists winning people to Jesus in the thousands, and then theres’ me. A little mom, living in the middle of nowhere, blogging from her home computer that happened to hit a bump in the road. He has time to show his love for little old me. And He will show it to you as well, as long as you let him. As long as you give him thanks and praise through it all.

I considered last night as sprinkles on the cake. The extra topping. The part God didn’t need to do, but wanted to because He cares that much. And I praised him the whole way home:)

Filed Under: Faith, Juliet Faith

Peace

2012

18 Comments

How do you find peace in tough times…this is a question I get quite often. And it is a really a hard thing to explain, except when you stand on what God promises.

The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.

Psalm 29:11

When you feel this sense of peace, when you can stand and smile and praise God at your daughters funeral, when you can’t even explain how you are not sobbing…you know it is God given peace.

I have to tell you, although it was beyond hard to say goodbye to sweet Juliet, Ryan and I were truly able to worship God, fellowship with family, friends, and amazing people who have helped get us through this journey with prayers and support, and even enjoy ourselves as we celebrated Juliets short life.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light

Matthew 11:28-30

I know so many people say, how do you not get bitter? How do you not blame God. And for me, that has never been an option. If we truly know who God is, that God is good, ALL the time…then we know that our struggles and trials do not come from God, it would be silly to blame Him and become bitter at the one person that can truly help us the most during these struggles.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world

John 16:33

When Ryan and I have chosen to thank Jesus through this whole journey, to praise his name for the peace that he has given, for the comfort he has shown, for the strength he helped us with….he has blessed us. The stories are endless to how God brought the right person at the perfect time to calm our hearts, the right message to uplift our spirits, the perfect wisdom in tense moments….He was and is SO faithful. We choose to believe his word and stand on it. We choose to believe that this world is not perfect, and things will happen in our life that we didn’t see coming or maybe would not have chosen for ourselves, but we know that it is not Jesus that brings this on us, but it is Jesus that brings us through it…stronger even than when we started.

If you are struggling with peace in your life, dig into Jesus. Press into the Bible and find out who God is and truly believe His words. Make Him a part of your everyday life and I promise you, peace will start to come. Sometimes the Bible is overwhelming for people who don’t know where to start…if this is what you are thinking than I suggest this devotional, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. My Bible study ladies have introduced it to me and it is amazing how the Lord can speak through others straight to the heart. It’s only a couple of paragraphs each day with verses to back it up.

I’m praying for peace for you and leaving with you with a few pictures from Jules’ sweet celebration…..

A true celebration. We had sparkly jewels for everyone to take to remember our precious Jules and her life!

A great tribute to a special little lady!

The picture of her looking gets me everytime, what a sweetie pie.

and lastly, our final goodbye to our sweet baby girl…..

Filed Under: Faith, Juliet Faith

Celebrating….

2012

20 Comments

6 Years ago today I was getting my hair all done up, perfecting my make-up, and putting on a beautiful white dress to walk down the aisle to my life long partner, Ryan. I can honestly say that never in a million years did I think that we would be celebrating our 6 year anniversary in a church, for a wake for one of our little girls.

None of us have a magic crystal ball that we can look into and see the path the Lord will take us on….we can’t tell the Lord what we can handle and what we can’t. He gets to decide that for us. The one thing we do know is that if we truly place our faith and trust in Him, He will see us through til the end. If you would have told me even a year ago, after having experienced the love of being a mom, that I would lose my little girl at just a little over a month old, I would think there’s no way I can do it. Not me Lord.

We’ve had so many people tell us they could have never done this journey the way Ryan and I did..and I just respond, you could of, Jesus see’s you through. You’ll never know if you can do it until you have to, and truly experience the love of others and of God to see you through every step of the way. With that being said though, you have to know this Jesus to truly experience His love. You have to have a personal relationship with him that goes beyond rituals and religion. You have to rely on him for every breath and every move. You have to give thanks in all circumstances and truly believe He is good…all the time.

So many of you probably know this Jesus I am talking about, but others might be wondering who He is…how they can know him in this way. Throughout Juliets life I have had to tell myself Lord, she is yours. If you can just bring one precious person to know you better, then her life will not be in vain. It made it easier for me to give her back to Him knowing the bigger purpose she was serving. To glorify God and ultimately bring people to know him better.

I’m pretty sure the next few weeks/months?? this lady is going to be taking some good “couch” time and adjusting to the new normal. With that being said I’ll have a lot of free time on my hands. Time that I’d love to chat/answer/be there for anyone that wants to know Jesus in a personal way. Anyone that’s been trying to find peace but just hasn’t gotten there yet. I have been so blessed by the prayer warriors that have gotten us through this time that I’d love to repay the favor for anyone else that needs it. So, if you wanna take me up on it, you can email me at alliemay425@gmail.com with any questions or to get my number so we can chat:)

Thanks in advance to the so many people that are going to celebrate Jules’ life with us, and the so many that made me realize her purpose here on this earth. To bring others to Jesus and spread pure love:)

Filed Under: Faith, Juliet Faith, Uncategorized

Life Changer…

2012

7 Comments

When I was little my dream was to be a mom. My mom stayed home with us and I just thought that’s what all women do. As I got older I realized that some moms work and some moms stay home. I still wanted to stay home:) When I graduated from high school I knew I was headed to college because that’s what you do…so I had to pick a degree. I picked elementary education because to me that was the next best thing to being a mom, but I really didn’t care if I didn’t teach. (sorry dad for the bills:) I really just wanted to find Dreamy McDreamerson, run away with him, get married and have four children in our cute little house, sipping lemonade and eating crumpets. Okay, now I”m getting a bit carried away. Here’s the point. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have a little baby I would have to bring home and watch die.

Juliet was a life changer. I didn’t see her coming a million miles away. She wasn’t in my “plan.” haha, and God laughs at me:) Our lives will never be the same, we will forever be changed. Here’s the deal though, she was in God’s plan. She was meant to be for us and us for her. We were chosen to be her parents even before I was born, I’m pretty sure of that, and I’m so grateful. I’m grateful for what Juliet has taught me, and what God has shown me through her. I’m grateful how God has used Juliet and put a specific calling on her life, and how humbled we are to be able to walk her through this life and see that purpose fulfilled.

Our new motto around our house is, “day by day.” Since we grieved Juliet even before she was born, and did not think we were going to even get the chance to come home with a baby, we have had to retrain our thinking. She’s here now. Will she be here tomorrow?? Next week?? Next year?? So many unknowns that I can’t allow myself to think about. She is here today, so we will cherish today. I say this like it is so easy, but in all actuality it is one of the hardest lessons I’m learning. I’m human, I want to know the future. I want to plan. I want to prepare.

¹¹For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

I’m so grateful that I believe in a God that does know the future, and a God that gives us hope. I could not walk this journey without Him.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:34

And I’m so grateful to have a God that will carry our worries for us. We don’t need to take them all on ourselves.

Whether we get to keep Juliet for another week, or for another 10 years, our lives are forever changed. We will not be the same. Everyone has a life changer… or probably will at some point. What’s yours??

I’m just glad mine is so stinkin cute:)

Filed Under: Faith, Juliet Faith

Jules is Home!

2012

57 Comments

We went in to be induced with Jules yesterday morning at 7:00 a.m. We welcomed our little angel Jules into the world at 6:23 p.m. She wasn’t crying right away, but after a few puffs of oxygen she opened her eyes and said hello. We were ecstatic! and she is Beautiful! and she was a whooping 4 lbs 11.8 oz. Sorry for the iphone pics, the rest aren’t uploaded yet.

Sarah was with us all day to help relieve some stress:) and take photos. She got some beauties that we will share a little later, for now here are a few of Jules being introduced into the world, our family, and our lives.

She is a miracle in every way. She is a fighter. She is a child of God. She is gorgeous. She is perfect.

We just ask for prayer for the next few days. We tried to breast feed Juliet and she did great, but her little nose isn’t formed correctly and her nostril doesn’t allow her to breath. She was turning blue so we had to stop. Juliet’s cleft pallet is so deep that a feeding tube would be difficult for her. If she spit up it could go into her lungs and a tube would agitate her. We have decided against an iv so we have been giving her breast milk with a syringe under her tongue. She seems to keep it all down, but it probably won’t be enough to sustain her.

We prayed for a fighter and we got one. As we are up with her in the middle of the night and she cries we pray she stops fighting and goes to meet Jesus where her body will be made whole. I can’t tell you how difficult it is to be her mom and dad and know there is nothing you can do but pray like crazy. And love. Love her to pieces. and cry.

She looks so beautiful to us we wish she could stay forever…but her little body just isn’t made to last forever. The list is too long. There is so much more for her….

The Christian doctor that called when we were first diagnosed and gave us such a peace about the situation came to our room to meet little Jules. He stated it best when he said, I’m a little jealous of her actually. She’s a lot closer to being home than you and I are. Lucky little lady.

Lastly we need to give a huge shout out to our amazing doctor and nurses that took such great care of us! It was no coincidence who the Lord has put in our path. We have been loved on and blessed so much by them. They have cried with us and helped us through some of our biggest trials in our life. We are so grateful and we love you ;) You have a big place in our hearts!

Filed Under: Faith, Family, Juliet Faith

The Blogging World

2012

16 Comments

Lately I have been writing posts in my head around 3 in the morning when I can’t sleep. I really should just wake up and go downstairs and type it out, but it usually doesn’t happen. And usually the post always sounds better in my head. But, I’m writing this post for 2 reasons…

1.) To say Juliet is still staying put. I know a lot of you are checking in to see if there is any news, so I thought I would keep you updated. It looks like she will come Monday, when we are scheduled to be induced. I was hoping she’d come on her own, but I guess there are a few perks. Like since we have to be there at 7 a.m. , and Kynlee can sleep til 10 a.m. :) Grandma and Grandpa are coming Sunday night. That way the kiddos don’t have to get woken up so early to get dropped off somewhere. Also, our sweet photographer friend Sarah was able to find a babysitter and free her day so she can be there, thanks Lisa for watching her kiddos! and that means I can go in showered and ready. I know it’s really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it’ll make me feel a little better.

I’ve never been induced before and I must say it’s kinda weird knowing there is an end date in site. Especially with Jules. So ready or not, 2 days from now and we will probably get to meet her!

2.) The second reason I’m writing this post it to thank the blog world for their love and support. Sounds a bit corny, but I have to tell you that before I started blogging, I read blogs. I was always surprised how the bloggers would talk about their blog family and what a big part of their life they were. It’s not until now that I truly understand that. I started blogging a little over a year and a half ago, and it started out to encourage, share, and possibly try to lighten the load for the hubby by bringing in some sort of support. Most stay at home moms are always looking for some way to help out a little bit, and what better than to share you heart and hobby?? Well, the financial support part didn’t really pan out…although I’m still working on it:) but what did happen was the community part changed my life. I started with 487 unique visitors, which means different people that checked out my site, the first month. Since then it has grown to 13,000 different people that check out my site each month. I realized Jules has brought a lot of those people to my site, and I’m so grateful! I still cannot describe the amazing peace the Lord has given us through this journey except for the fact that God is good, and that my blog family and everyone else..is praying! And prayer is so powerful!

Sometimes I feel like we are getting to “cheat the system” by putting our story out there. I know that there are so many people who are going through similar situations if not worse, who are going it alone. I can’t imagine. If you are please comment and let us pray for you! The Lord’s timing is always perfect and I can’t help but think He knew we’d need this extra prayer and support. He was looking out for us. He’s carrying us through all of you. We have been so beyond humbled by everyone who has messaged, called, written, sent gifts and food. People that we know, and so many people that we don’t even know…but that have found our story through mutual friends, facebook, or my blog. We are overwhelmed by the sweet Jesus love you have….and community has a whole new meaning to us. Especially community in Christ. It is such a strong bond.

So, thank you again…I can’t say it enough. Thank you for letting us put our story out there. I will continue to keep you informed on Sweet Jules, although we do not own a laptop (!) shocking!! so I won’t be able to blog from the hospital, but we will let you know as soon as we can and are able.

Love to you all:)

xoxo

Filed Under: Faith, Family, Juliet Faith

Indescribable Peace

2012

27 Comments

Jule’s due date is tomorrow. October 2nd has been going through my brain ever since we found out about our sweet Juliet at 26 weeks along. It’s a day I didn’t think we’d get to, but our little fighter proved us wrong! What a good girl:) Throughout this experience just about every emotion has overtaken us. We have grieved, we have rejoiced, we have celebrated, we have sulked, we have been angry, happy, sad, and overwhelmed. One thing though…is we have never even thought to turn our backs on our Jesus.

I am always so surprised by people who go through tough times and say God, how could you?? I know that the thought could cross your mind, but for us…who have truly felt God throughout this whole experience, we say God, thank you so much for staying close. We live in a fallen world with a lot of sin and sadness. We are not in heaven yet. I have learned through this experience that we don’t get a “get through life free” pass, but it’s how we choose to look at the situation that really counts.

Ryan and I have felt such an overwhelming love from God, and from his people. WE have been blessed. WE have learned. WE have been touched. Jules has blessed us, as has this experience.

I know we are about to embark on a very difficult life experience in the next couple of days. I don’t know what my human mind will feel or how it will deal with it. I have told so many people though that I cannot believe the peace I’ve had this last month. A peace that passes all understanding. A true God peace. I attribute a lot of it to the thousands of prayers that have been going up for us. I attribute it to a God that loves his children and promises to be by them every step of the way. I attribute it to a relationship with our creator.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Philippians 4:6-7do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

We go into the doctor today and she is going to try to get things going naturally. We could meet Juliet soon:) If that doesn’t work we will be induced on the following Monday. Thank you SO MUCH for all of your prayers, they are not in vain. Ryan and I are evidence of that. We have been able to praise God for sweet Juliet!

I’m going to put together a playlist of songs to have playing in the hospital, so if you have any that have touched you…I’ve received a few and they’ve blessed us…please let me know and I’ll add it:) We cannot wait to show you all how sweet and beautiful and perfect Juliet is. Please rejoice with us:)

Filed Under: Faith, Juliet Faith

Quite the Journey

2012

14 Comments

Many of you don’t know this but before we got pregnant with Jules we miscarried, right after Christmas. For someone who has had 2 very easy pregnancy’s, I was quite shocked. After reading the percentages of women that miscarry, it wasn’t quite as alarming and I was able to tell myself that it was the Lord’s natural way of taking care of something that maybe wasn’t working out all right. 4 weeks after that we got pregnant with Jules. (I didn’t know you are very fertile after a miscarriage:) We were ecstatic to get pregnant again so quickly! Especially since I had been trying to work on Ry for the past 6 months:) It finally seemed like our family of four would jump to five, yay!

Fast forward to 15 weeks later when I finally announced it on the blog when we were 20 weeks along that we were having a baby!

I think it’s kind of ironic how the only baby I have any belly shots from is Jules…It’s like the Lord knew I’d want to start the keepsakes early on:)

I did notice this pregnancy was a little different, and would often say that. With Kynlee my belly popped right away, and I was expecting the third to be even worse. Jules was a lil peanut from the start though, and I kept saying I haven’t quite had one like this…

Another couple weeks goes by and we get our first ultrasound pictures. Baby is adorable. We are both excited to be surprised about the sex since we already have one of each, but secretly I was hoping for a little sister for Kynlee:)
Baby’s adorable, chubby cheeks and all! Little did we know that one hour later after seeing cutie, we would be told that baby has a possible cleft palate. Hard for this momma, but for surely manageable and fixable! We had no idea what those clenched little fists would mean.

Fast forward to another 5 weeks of waiting for our level two ultrasound and our worlds were rocked. No longer was anything fixable or manageable. Not by our earthly hands at least.

Lil baby girl was diagnosed with trisomy 18, if you haven’t read that story you can click here, and indeed she did have a cleft.

But she is just as adorable. Here on out we have been living with a new normal. My first thought and prayer was Lord, please take her now, I dont want to have to endure this for another 3 months. Then I got to know Jules a little better, and the Lord..and realized everything happens for a reason. Jules is a miracle and a fighter. She has already changed my life and a few others from what I’m told:) I couldn’t be happier for one of my children to have that impact for the kingdom at such a young age.

I have 2 weeks to go til I get to meet my lil fighter. My prayer for so long now has been that I get to meet her alive! Last night as I was laying in bed though, I said to Ryan, if that prayer comes true, then what? I haven’t thought too much past that. I haven’t let my mind go much further. What does our lives look like after that? How attached will we become, how long will the Lord give us with her. How will the grieving process look? But God is good, and it’s almost as though He said, we don’t need to know those things. Just like He’s led us every step of the way and allowed us to stand through it all, He will be there through the next part of the journey as well. And so will all of those who have rained down their love and support for us through this tough time. We are so blessed.

Wednesday we go in for a 3D ultrasound. I was unsure at first if I wanted to do it, more so because I want to believe in my miracle til the very end, which I still do:) But I am getting excited. My friend found a place in the cities, Enlightened Imaging, that does them free for babies that aren’t expected to make it. Pretty cool. I guess they have a huge 8 foot screen that we get to see Jules kicking on, the kiddos as well. So if all goes well we’ll share a few of those pics with you of sweet Juliet that you have been praying for:)

Life is a journey, we get one chance to live it for Jesus, not ourselves. I fail everyday but pray the Lord will continue to use me, and our family.

Filed Under: Faith, Juliet Faith

Praying for a Miracle

2012

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I believe in a God that breathed life into dust.

I believe in a God that separated the Red Sea and raised Lazarus from the dead.

I believe in a God that sends fire from heaven and closes the mouths of lions.

And most importantly, I believe in a God that can heal Juliet.

Although I have absolutely not a doubt in my mind that He can heal her, surprisingly this is not my biggest prayer. Selfishly it would be, and trust me…many times at night while I’m laying in bed alone with my thoughts that’s the only plea I can come up with while she’s kicking away. Please Lord, Please Lord, Please Lord. But when I look at the big picture…God’s picture…who am I to say what that holds?? Healing Juliet may be in His cards, or there may be something bigger for her life. Something I might not even know until I can ask Jesus myself. Already I am so grateful for the opportunities I have had to talk to people and share our story of sweet Juliet and see the impact she has made. Already I can see the hand of Jesus in her story. Already I can see miracles.

I know that there are people out there praying big prayers for Juliet and I am so grateful for that as well. We have been anointed over, prayed over and prayed for by thousands of people. And don’t worry, I have been the first to tell God that if you choose to heal her Jesus, I will glorify you with her story all the days of my life, it will not be in vain. But there are a few other reasons why I don’t choose to stand on only this as well.

1.) My God is the same today, yesterday, and tomorrow, whether I would choose to pick the outcome He does or not. I don’t want my view of God or anyone elses to change if we proclaim a miracle in His name and that’s not what He has.

2.) I don’t ever want to doubt that my faith was not big enough to heal Juliet. The Lord does choose to heal, and He chooses not too. I know that there are some answers we will never have until we get to heaven and I have to be okay with that. I have to be okay that my human mind can not begin to understand the Lord and his workings. I have to trust. and I do.

3.) I can’t let this momma’s mind think that she will give birth to a healed baby and then have the heartache of that not being so. I’m choosing to let God write the ending to this story. I choosing to believe that He is holding both Juliet and I through this, and I am choosing that he will be there the day we go in, to comfort, support, love and be with us no matter what we face.

My pastor once explained healings in a way that I have never heard it before, and to me it made sense. Because otherwise It’s so hard to understand why the Lord wouldn’t heal us all. He made mention of why do you think it is that we hear of all these miraculous healings in third world countries, in Africa and all over the world but aren’t seeing as many of them right here. People being raised from the dead, disabilities being wiped away, the lame walking, etc. I have to admit, I have thought this many times. He said that in these countries there is no knowledge of God. Many people for the first time are hearing his name and his works. God shows these miraculous signs to glorify himself and show who He is.

In America most of us all own a Bible. I think we have about 6 in our house. There are churches on every corner. There is truth. We know who God is and we have faith. God does not need to prove himself to us. In other parts of the world that is not the case. The darkness is too big. Whether you believe this reasoning or not, to me it made sense. I will not dismiss my God because He doesn’t heal. I have truth and knowledge to know that God is love, God is good, God is in control.

So dear sweet Juliet, I pray that God uses you in a big way, and trust that his ways are perfect. You are 35 weeks today and as active as ever, and though I do seem to get more nervous as we approach your due date, I am so proud of you for fighting and want you to know that you are impacting the kingdom. Your life is not in vain. hugs and kisses…

momma

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.

Job 1:21

Filed Under: Faith, Juliet Faith

Life Goes On….

2012

9 Comments

I realized something crazy this last week. Even though you can receive some of the hardest news you’ve ever been given, life goes on. People go about their normal lives around you and I tend to look at them with jealousy quite frequently. I continue to function, dishes have to be done, kids have to be fed…a house has to be kept up. But always at the back of my mind is, life is so different. I truly again thank each of you from the bottom of my heart that have sent a card, commented, or told me how often you have been praying. I can’t believe how many people have told me they wake up in the middle of the night praying for us. Sometimes I so wish I could peek into the spiritual realm and see what you precious saints are all fighting off for us. Because I can feel it. But every once in awhile the enemy still sneaks in.

As I was laying in bed last night I realized how often since we’ve received the news that I just pretend everything is normal. For the most part the pregnancy has been like my others, precious Jules has been kicking away, and I tell myself everything will be fine. But then there are times that reality hits. Sometimes it’s when Kynlee will randomly say mom, I want Baby Jules to go up to Jesus and get better and then come live with us. Me too babe! But mostly it’s when I’m alone with my thoughts and selfishness seeps in. I want a sister for my baby girl that’s getting so big already. I want to see little Jules run around with Tate and Kynlee like they were last night giggling and chasing each other. I want to snuggle a little baby so bad that doesn’t have tubes coming out of her and stuck in a hospital. In that fact, I just want to snuggle a live baby. Will I get to hold her alive??

And then Jesus meets me.

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

and I cling to these words…and the amazing prayers from you all!! Our new motto is one day at a time. It’s hard to not think about the future but with it being so uncertain all we can do is take it one day at a time. One kick at a time:) A week has never felt longer.

So if you continue to pray we just ask for strength to face each day, from a shield of protection over the enemies arrows that try to attack us, and the we continue to hand Jules over to Jesus and allow him to use her in a mighty way.

Also, with this being said…we are going to try to resume somewhat normal life. More for the fact that we need time to continue on without being drug down with the reality of what may lay ahead. So, I’m going to continue to blog on home decor, and will also update you with how Jules is doing. We are planning on having our next Whimsy sale July 26th and the 28th and hope that we see some of your beautiful faces:) For now I’ll leave you with a few fun pictures from this week away up north.

They keep telling everyone that they got to ride a fish…the looks they get are great:) This is what they meant:)

Through it all our family has never been closer. Thank you Jules for that blessing!

At a local resort on Rainy Lake they had a huge birdcage the kids could swing in…

They loved it.

They also got to feed the chipmunks…

and ride one:)

We are BLESSED!!!

Love to you alll:)

Filed Under: Faith, Family, Juliet Faith

Beyond Words….

2012

6 Comments

Just wanted to say to everyone that has texted, emailed, called, messaged and commented that we are beyond blessed by your words and encouragement and mostly prayers. Little Jules is such a lucky girl and we are already so blessed by her life! God is so good and never ceases to amaze us. Ryan and I have read every story, message and comment, usually through tears, and are humbled by your sweet Jesus love on us at this time. The body of Christ is indescribable and we can feel Jesus’ presence around us and holding us up. We are off to the cabin for the week to help have some normalcy and allow the kiddos to get loved on a little bit more:) We love you all. Those we know and many many of those that we have never even met. We are humbled.

Filed Under: Faith, Juliet Faith

Trisomy 18

2012

66 Comments

On Wednesday, a new reality sunk into our lives. We went in for a level 2 ultrasound to see if our little peanut had a cleft pallet. We were told at our original 20 week ultrasound that there was a “shadow” on the lip and they wanted to look into it further. We were also told that baby was in less than 3rd percentile for weight and had cysts on the brain. Both sound scary but after researching and talking to some doctors we realized that the cysts usually always go away by birth and since we have smaller babies anyway, the weight should even itself out. A cleft pallet was hard, only because you don’t want your little babe to go through anything they shouldn’t have to. Surgery on my baby is not at the top of my list. After having to wait a month to have our level 2 ultrasound, and a lot of prayer and peace about it, we braced ourselves and were ready to see if peanut would be born with a cleft pallet.

As we were getting our ultrasound I was so excited to see little babe in the womb. Baby was so cute as always, and our technician had told us she was going to be super thorough on this ultrasound, from head to toes and boy was she ever. She came to the head last, and indeed we found out peanut would be born with a cleft pallet. My eyes watered over and Ry squeezed my hand, but we were prepared for this. Surgery is amazing and so many people told us you would barely know.

Baby is laying on it’s side. Even at 1 lb and 4 oz you can see the chubby little cheeks. Taking a little rest now with it’s eyes closed and under it’s nose is a dark spot. On baby’s upper right lip is the cleft pallet.

Then the doctor came in.

A doctor we had never met before came in and shook our hands and said, “I’m very concerned for your baby.” I was thinking the same thing, poor thing was gonna be born with a cleft pallet which would mean a feeding tube, no nursing at first, surgery within the first year of it’s life. We’ve never dealt with anything like this before. But then I sensed that wasn’t what she was talking about. And soon our world came crashing to a halt. I don’t remember much after this point. She just starting pointing out one thing after another. Your baby only has 1 kidney, there is possibly 2 holes in the heart, the line in the brain does not have an opening which means the right side and the left side may not be connecting, babies hands are always clenched and aren’t opening up, it has a cleft pallet, it’s weight is low. I mean how much can a mom take at one time. And it just didn’t stop. I looked back up at the screen at what seemed like a perfect little baby in my eyes. Lord, we were just supposed to be coming in to see if baby had a cleft. I didn’t prepare myself to hear this. How could you???

And after the list was done she told us, it doesn’t look good. All of these signs are pointing to a genetic disorder called trisomy 18 (a genetic disorder in which a person has a third copy of material from chromosome 18) or trisomy 13, (a genetic disorder in which a person has three copies of genetic material from chromosome 13, instead of the usual two copies.) And she went on. Most babies die inutero with only 10% making it to their first birthday. Ryan was so strong for me. I think he knew I needed it. He somehow was able to listen while my mind blurred and I couldn’t hold in the sobs that kept escaping. I was not prepared for this. But, she said….there are options. And continued to tell us of a great man that use to deal with these “situations” that was killed in a church. Ryan wasn’t quite sure what she was talking about but I knew right away. She was talking about the doctor who preformed late term abortions. Dealing with the situation meant killing my little baby. My mind was numb but was at least able to say that that was not an option for us. Even though my head was whirling as to what this little baby would be like? Would it even look normal?? Could I handle this news?? It’s all too much.

and I kept seeing this on the screen above us..

My precious BABY GIRL. We weren’t going to find out the sex but it just seemed right now. A little girl, Kynlee would be so happy. She wanted a sister so badly.

We then went across the hall to talk to the genetic counselor who asked if we were going to “continue on with the pregnancy.” I just still can’t believe that’s an option. She told us a little more about the chromosome disorders and I think she explained it, although all I remember were the words, setting up hospice care if the baby is born, funeral planning and talking about getting an amniocentesis to run the genetic tests to make sure this is what we were dealing with.

I dont really remember the drive home. I had a headache by the time we went to pick up the kiddos. We tried to call close family and friends and fill them in. The emotions were so raw. When we got home we told the kids that the baby was a girl and that she was sick. That she might not come home to live with us, but instead might go to live with Jesus. They shook their heads and two minutes later Kynlee brought the pictures of lil girl and said, is this baby!!! Can you show me!! There is something so precious about the innocence of children.

I can’t lie and say that my mind didn’t start whirling like crazy. Lord, I can’t do this. I can’t be a mom to a super special needs baby. This will change our lives forever. This is too much. My prayers were please take this little girl now so I don’t become more attached, so that I don’t have a baby that I have to say goodbye to after a year, so that I don’t have a baby that I need to be a constant nurse full time for the next 5 years of my life. It’s amazing how human nature takes over. And sad.

That night I started googling like crazy. I wanted to know what we were up against. After leaving the doctor there seemed like no hope. They told us that we can doctor with our normal doctor since there is no special treatment needed. They can do the same thing for us that they would at Children’s. Basically wait for your baby to die. I told the Lord, God please take this baby now if you are going to so I don’t have to go through this anymore. Just take her fast. And then I found pictures. So many pictures of kids with Trisomy 18 and 13, also known as Edwards Syndrome and Patau Syndrome. And what I couldn’t believe is how normal they looked. They were precious. My prayers started to change.

These are some of the symptoms of Edwards Syndrome….

and here’s some faces of it…

Wednesday night we went to bed and Ry prayed over my belly and for this little girl. She was kicking like crazy and Ryan could feel her. It was almost as though she was telling us she’s alright. I’m a fighter mom and dad. My eyes could barely open anymore and sleep didn’t come that well.

Friday Ryan and I went in for an amniocentesis, where they stick a needle into your belly and extract 2 tablespoons of fluid from your amniotic sack to get the babies old skin cells that have flaked off. They tell us they will have the results in 10-14 days, a long time for this mom to wait. I can’t tell you that I’m all too hopeful for these results. With the list we got I’m pretty sure it doesn’t look the best. I was excited to see little girl again though. She seems like such a fighter! I have to tell you that one of the hardest things about this process is feeling her kick. I try to run from reality but every time I feel her kick I am brought right back to it. But there is no easy answer. When I don’t feel a kick after an hour or so I start praying like crazy to feel one. She usually obeys:) What a sweet girl. I’m praying the Lord gives me strength during this waiting game of not knowing what is going to happen. How long I’m going to get with my little girl. Because He does know. And she wasn’t an accident.

¹³For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
¹⁵My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

Prayers have been holding us up during this time, and I thank you so much for them. I can already see the effects of them. Thursday after we got the news I got a call from a doctor at my clinic. My doctor was out of town and he was taking her calls. I found it quite amazing that another doctor would want to take this call. And soon I found out it was more than amazing, it was Jesus taking care of us. This doctor just happened to be a deep man of faith whose first words were, “I think you know why I’m calling, and I just want to offer you my deepest prayers.” I could tell he was sincere. He proceeded to say that him and his wife have 3 beautiful blessings but they lost one baby at 18 weeks. He knew the pain of losing a child but still didn’t pretend to know what we were going through with this circumstance. He allowed me to ask questions and I just wanted to know from a Christian doctors perspective, what would you do?? If this were your baby?? He said what a privilege it is to know that we know God has a bigger plan, and a better place than we can imagine. That he would love on this baby as long as the Lord gave him and let this baby join Jesus at the right side of the throne of God when the time came. *sobs and tears, but it’s so true. We as Christians can have a peace about this. It doesn’t take away the pain, but it makes it easier knowing they are going to a much better life. After telling him thank you so much for the phone call that I believed was not a “coincidence” and him asking if he can put my husband and I on their prayer chain, we ended the chat. God is good.

We have also been flooded with emails, text, messages, visits, phone calls, gifts, food, and love that is so amazing in the body of Christ. Thank you to everyone!! Here are just a few beautiful gifts we have been blessed by in the few shorts days we have been delivered this news…

and a fridge full of food…

So I’m writing this blog part as grieving and therapy for myself, part to keep the story straight for everyone who heard about it, but mostly for prayer. Prayer for this little baby girl.

Ry and I decided to name her and amazingly I had my girl name picked out from the beginning. After I found out about baby girls condition I hate to admit it but I wasn’t sure I wanted to use my girl name on a little girl that may not be with our family long. Selfish. But the more I thought about it the more I realized the name was meant for this little girl. So Ryan and I just ask that you join us in prayer for this little girl, Juliet Faith..that we like to call Jules:) Pray that she makes a huge difference for Jesus. That she is used by God as well as her story. That through it all God receives the glory. And that she is strong because selfishly as well I want to meet her and see her beautiful face!!

I’m gonna leave you with this you tube video that a friend actually showed me a few years back. I cried then when I watched it but had no idea it would come back full circle. I wouldn’t have even remembered what the little boy suffered from had we not gone through this. I think it is just an amazing testimony to Jesus and pray Jules will be as well!

Thank you for your love and support!

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.

Job 1:21

Filed Under: Faith, Family, Juliet Faith

Living Life Sheltered and Naive

2012

8 Comments

By now most of you know my past. I was the typical “good girl.” I was raised in a Christian home with great Christ centered morals. I went to Sunday School every Sunday and Youth Group every Wednesday. I learned Bible verses at a young age and was taught the difference between right and wrong. To some of you this may seem a “sheltered” life. I did attend public school but the Lord had mercy on me and provided Christian friends that didn’t always live their faith out, but had great morals. I was saved from seeing “culture” as some people may say. I was completely naive to sex and sex related activities until high school, and even then my knowledge was very small.

When I met Ryan I was 23. And quite honestly I hadn’t learned too much more in that area. I had been surrounded by great Christian friends and was in my bubble at a Christian college. Ry has a bit of a different testimony, and as he would say he was building a strong one for awhile:) He is an amazing man but did experience more than I in the on goings of this world. Some of the stories I would hear from him or others would quite shock me.

I remember after being married to Ry for about 4 years , asking him if he is ever embarrassed by me. Not quite sure why I asked that question?!? The only thing he said is that sometimes he was embarrassed by my naiveness to things. Oh course I jumped on the defense right away because that’s what I tend to do:) But that was over a year ago now and as of lately I have been thinking about this topic a lot.

Our world is changing at an amazingly fast rate. Not for the better in my opinion. As we’ve had children you realize even more how scary of a world it can be. Ry and I have been considering very strongly home-schooling our kiddos and I am always amazed by how many people are quick to say I don’t want my children so sheltered. I need them to experience life. I want them to know what the world is like out there. And for awhile I would just nod my head and not say much. And I am not writing this post to say everyone should home school. I am writing this post to evaluate where our thinking has come. As I have looked into this topic more I wish I could respond to people with, why in the world would you want them to know everything that’s in this world?? Why would you desire them to experience it?? Why would you not want to protect them from some of it??

There is a difference between being naive to the sin of the world and being naive to God and his word. Which one is of greater importance for you and your children??

The simple inherit folly, but the prudent are crowned with knowledge. Proverbs 14:18

More than being “cultured” with what is going on in our society, I believe we need to be knowledgeable of what the Lord has called us to do. How He has called us to act and behave. As I was reflecting on Ry’s comment of being embarrassed of me in that area, I later praised God for it. I thank the Lord that he has guarded my eyes and ears from the sin of this world. I thank him for the knowledge He has given me to know what is right and wrong, what I want to engage in and what I want to stay away from.

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. … Romans 12: 1-21

With that being said, I want to make sure that people realize we are still called to love on people of this world. The sinners, the sick, the needy, the unlovables. We are not called to run away from all things that are of a sinful nature. We are called to not PARTAKE in them though. We are to lead blameless lives, free of sin. (if only it were that easy!)

I have had friends from all groups. I have amazing Christian friends that challenge me and I aspire to be more like them. I have friends that come right along side me daily and encourage me. I have friends that I feel like I try to encourage them and be there for them. I have friends with big testimonies and friends with small testimonies. (which they are all big in Jesus’ eyes, but you know what I mean:) And even though I am quite naive to still quite a bit, I love them all the same. Because that’s what we are called to do. And even though I may not have experienced all the same temptations, I endure my own on a daily basis. I fight my own fights and am by no way claim to be perfect in any area.

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? Luke 6:41

So. Why did I feel like I needed to write this post?? Well, I recently saw this on a friends facebook page and listened to it. It shook me quite a bit…it’s only two and a half minutes long and I really think you should listen to it. It’s called If I were the Devil, and it’s Paul Harvey speaking in 1965 about if he were the devil what he would attack in our nation and our culture. It’s eerily prophetic of where we have come..

What really got me thinking is of how the devil really has worked his way into so many little areas of our life. I just wrote a blog on television and since then the Lord has been convicting me all the more on this topic. I used to easily get sucked into The Bachelor, you know… all in good fun. But if I asked myself what of this is pleasing to the Lord?? I just couldn’t come up with anything. I convinced myself that since I wouldn’t watch rated R movies, and there’s only a couple of questionable scenes in the movie it was alright. I recently have seen so many people proudly announce on Facebook books that they are reading that make me cringe at first thought, but as of recently make me want to cry. Satan has entered so many areas of our life and this world that it is hard to not succumb to it. I praise God for my naiveness of the world and continue to seek out His word for knowledge of how to live in this world. I desire more of Jesus and with that being said, drastic things need to change. And lastly I desire to keep my kids as pure as long as possible. If this makes them socially awkward, so be it. I’d rather have them looking awkward in this world than in the next!

If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. John 15:19

I honestly hope this doesn’t offend you, I just wanted to share what the Lord has been laying on my heart. I pray that you would continue to increase your knowledge of the Word of Jesus and not of the pleasures of this world:)

Filed Under: Faith

Television

2012

1 Comment

This is the post of how television almost ruined our marriage. Okay, not really…but it could have:) Cable television has always been a novelty to me. I loved going on vacation as a kid and watching Saved By the Bell, thinking it was the coolest thing ever. We never had cable growing up and for that matter we didn’t even have a VCR til I was in highschool. We had no gaming systems, not even the old school Nintendo. We had bikes and imaginations. Kudos to my parents for allowing us to grow up that way:)

When Ry and I got married we lived out in the boondox, yes…even further out than we are now:) and never thought to get cable or satellite. Neither of us grew up with it and we didn’t watch a whole lot of tv anyhow. Then we moved to town. When we were in town we all of a sudden could bundle our internet and tv, how novel! And exciting!! For the first time in my life I had satellite television with DVR. Why did we ever need to leave our house? Plus the benefit that we had small children and Mickey Mouse was amazing to them!! Everyone was happy! For awhile. After a month or so Ryan and I started to realize that we weren’t connecting as well. He would go downstairs at night to watch all of his hunting shows he had dvr’d and I would stay upstairs and watch HGTV or the Hallmark channel. About the time Ryan was getting ready to leave to be a hunting guide in Wyoming (not really) we realized that we needed to give up cable. So, we paid the initial start-up fee and then 2 to 3 months later we payed $550 to cancel our cable. Ouch! But we seriously felt like it was that important. Selfishly I loved it, but that’s all I loved. I could sit on the couch and waste every night watching whatever I wanted…and if something good wasn’t on, no fear….I had something recorded:)

Now, I am not to say that cable is bad for everyone. I am just saying that for us…it was interfering with our relationship with each other and Jesus. My sister recently showed me a quote from Mr. John Piper, an amazingly wise man, where he said…

The greatest danger of tv and movies is growing accustomed to the enjoyment of the absence of God.

Yep. Read that one again. It will smack you right in the middle of the eyes, or at least it did me! It is so true!! With tv you can sit and think about nothing…which is nice at times, but when you would rather sit and do nothing all the time is when there is a problem.

Ry and I don’t watch too much tv. The tv we do watch we try to make sure is appropriate, although there seems to be less and less these days! We watch maybe 1 movie a month. But the real question is are we accustomed to the enjoyment of the absence of God???? In any part of our life???

This is something I will think about the next time I go to turn the tv on, and maybe decide to spend some time with Jesus first!

Filed Under: Faith, Family

He Is Faithful!

2012

2 Comments

I don’t think that I’ve shared this with many of you but we started attending a new church about 2 years ago. I had moved out to the small town after living in the big city and attending a charismatic mega-church, to attend my husbands ever so sweet, very traditional hymn singing church. I’m not going to lie and say it wasn’t a little difficult for me, but that’s where he grew up and his family was. So that’s where we went. Well, pretty soon the church got smaller and smaller and our kiddos were about the only small children in the church. There was no nursery or children’s programs and we decided for our family that it was best to look around for some more “young family” based chruch. Not to say that I wanted to give up the older generation at all…I love the wisdom and dynamics they bring in as well:)

So we started attending a new church about 2 years ago. We were instantly drawn to it because of their worship, their pastor and teachings, and the children’s ministry it had going. But, ATTENDING A NEW CHURCH IS INTIMIDATING. Anyone with me?? I mean it’s not if you wanna just come and go, and trust me…that’s what we did for about the first year. But we desired more than that. So eventually we would hang around after church ~~very~~ somewhat awkwardly and hope that we could meet some new people. And we did, but it was still awkward.

That’s when I realized..Allie…you gotta jump out of the boat (my comfort bubble I was in) and start getting involved. Just sign yourself up for a few things and get to know some ladies. Now if you know anything about my personality, I love people, but I am also very intimidated by them. Most people probably think I’m rude or full of myself, but in all actuality I’m shy and nervous of what they are going to think. So starting completely over is very hard for me.

Fast forward another year. We have now been attending this church for about 2 years and my prayer throughout was Lord, please bring some women into my life that I can learn from, grow with, and be mentored by. I honestly didn’t think it was going to happen. But GOD IS FAITHFUL!! and He does hear our prayers!!

Stick with me here, as I go off on a bit of a tangent…trust me, it makes sense in the end:) I was recently doing a Beth Moore study, and one of the titles of her video session was “Between the Rains” in her new James study. She said how we go through rainy seasons, when the Lord feels so near, speaks to us, reveals himself to us, and we go through dry seasons, when we just can’t seem to feel God and wonder where he is. It’s this time that she says our faith is tested. In the dry season, between the rains. And our faith has to make it through. We have an evil force (Satan) in this world that so desires our faith to falter, but if we can just endure through the dry season, keep our faithfulness, another rain will soon come.

Let us acknowledge the Lord;
let us press on to acknowledge him.
As surely as the sun rises,
he will appear;
he will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth. ”

Hosea 6:3

So back to my church story. Basically for the last 2 years I felt like I was in a dry season. I was so discouraged all of the time because I just couldn’t seem to get back to that place with the Lord where I once was. Where I could feel his presence every day!! Some days I just wanted to give up trying…and I did. But what a shame to let the enemy win.

Until a month ago. I have to tell you I barely even know how it happened but I do know it involved a dear sweet friend of mine that drew me in from some of the first times we started to attend this church. Before you know it I got involved with an amazing circle of women from all walks and ages that accepted me and welcomed me into their Bible Study. I know this may not seem like a big deal to many of you, but I must say, I am just getting to know these women and I have never felt such an overwhelming Jesus love from people before like I have in this short time. I have already grown to love them and praise the Lord for answering this prayer that I seemed to pray forever.

Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord,

extend to the skies,

and Your faithfulness to the clouds.

Psalm 36: 5

The other night I got to have dinner with this great group of ladies, and I got loved on in a major way.

I woke up at 2:30 in the morning with the heavens pouring down rain. All I could do was cry. The dry season is over. God is so good!

Filed Under: Faith

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Life Changer…

Jules is Home!

The Blogging World

Indescribable Peace

Quite the Journey

Praying for a Miracle

Life Goes On….

Beyond Words….

Trisomy 18

Living Life Sheltered and Naive

Television

He Is Faithful!

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