It’s amazing how I think I’m going to keep up with my blog so much better and then each day passes and somehow posting pictures of home goods and projects just don’t seem quite as important.  Even though they are getting me through some of the hardest times…oddly enough.  So I find myself using my blog more to express my feeling and thoughts.  Something Ryan tells me I do much better writing than speaking:)  and for my family and friends who maybe think I’m crazy because I seem quite “normal” or for those who feel like I’ve been more distant.  I’m sorry.  Because I have.  It’s such a hard thing to explain, so I don’t.  So thank you for sticking with me and by me and understanding during this time.

I will say that with the situation that the Lord has given us there are many ups and downs.  I would even go so far to say that this last month I have really not cried for Juliet, or for myself (which is usually more) but have had an amazing God like peace.  A peace that passes all understanding.  I attribute that to the many many prayers that are going up for our family and baby Jules and continually thank you all for carrying us during this time.  This last week we had our yearly Corn Carnival in the town Ryan grew up and we had fun.  I was able to visit with people and when they said how are you doing, or we are praying for you, I was able to truly smile and say God is good.  We are blessed.  I have peace.

Today was a new day.  Jules’ due date is in 6 1/2 weeks.  With that number comes a new reality.  I can no longer pretend everything is fine.  I can’t just feel her kicks and think this is like every other pregnancy.  I find myself getting more and more nervous.  My sister called yesterday and was so excited for a friend that went into the hospital to have her baby.  Although I raised my voice and acted excited, in the back of my mind was how different our “going into the hospital” story is going to be.  What will our outcome bring.  And my heart just longed for that happy, healthy, pure joy experience I have had 2 other times in my life.

On top of that my sister went in for her ultrasound today.  With 2 boys at home she found out she was having a girl.  So exciting!  I am truly truly excited for her, and I know you’re reading this sister…and I am.  But today I couldn’t help but think if Jules and her would have been best friends someday.  I couldn’t help think why can’t our little girl be perfect.  I couldn’t help think how differently we came home from our ultrasound.

Ryan said it well when he came home and said sometimes it’s just hard when we are going through some low times and others are going through high times in their life.  You so desire to be happy for them, it’s just that some of your experiences and life struggles get in the way.  On top of my sister being pregnant, I have a sweet sister-in-law who is due a week before me, a friend who is due a week after me, and two more great friends who are due after that.  Again this is not a pity party for myself, and I know every one of you sweet sisters are reading this so I guess I just wanted you to understand.  I am SO happy for you, and don’t want you to doubt that for a minute.  But it is hard for this momma.  It’s getting harder and harder to see babies when I wanted one yesterday:)  As due dates are approaching I ask for extra strength.  Jules kicks so hard and I so desperately want to believe everything is “normal.”  And I think at times I pretend I do.  But as time gets closer I have to stand firm on the fact that God is in control.   Abraham and Issac have often come to my mind.  Lord, if you can use this child to advance your kingdom, then she is greatly used.  A huge sacrifice for this momma, but I trust you Jesus.  And Lord God if you want to heal her in the last hour so be it:)  I got this message the other day and I was blessed by it.  The Lord speaks through all of you:)

I put my hand on my belly today and began to pray for my 14 week old baby. I prayed that God would guide it’s growth and bless my baby with health. Then I stopped. The question came to me, is that my ultimate goal for his/her life? Really? Is that “success” in my pregnancy? My baby WILL be with Jesus if it is not born “healthy”. Safe and sound. And if God chooses to use it’s life, long or short, to save or touch another, I can’t think of a more honorable or successful “living” than that.
So I changed my prayer. That God would bless my baby’s life and that He would use it to further His Kingdom. “Healthy” or not.
Forgive my naive point of view on this subject, Allie. I just wanted to send this thought your way and let you know that I think of you often. Your experience is teaching me so many lessons- even helping me get through my last pregnancy which ended in miscarriage. You and Jules are a blessing to me!

When I feel like a mess and all tangled up inside, I blog.  So thank you for listening to me wrestle with my emotions and letting them out.  Thank you for being patient when I don’t want to talk and understanding when I do.  Thank you to so many people who just give me a hug and squeeze and don’t say a word but I know exactly what you mean, and it means the world.  And most importantly, thank you for letting me know that this little girl is changing lives and doing big things for the kingdom. I can not imagine how people do this without Jesus, and without people who love Jesus by their side.

Dear precious Jules,

This is your momma:)  I’ve come to terms that I may  not hear that phrase come out of your mouth, but so hope you know how much I love you.  I want you to know that you are strong!  You are a fighter!  and you continue to defeat the odds.  You are 32 weeks today.  We have known that you were special for about 6 weeks now, and although we have had time to learn/understand/adjust…it still doesn’t make it much easier.  Your doctors say that they just keep waiting for the call, but every night I smile when your kicks keep getting stronger and stronger.  Thank you for letting momma know that you are hanging on.  It’s those times that I wish I could just take you right out and snuggle you in my arms and kiss your cute little forehead, and whisper in your ear how much I love you.  For now I’ll just keep telling you through my belly.  Your brother and sister love you so much too.  Kynlee loves to rub you and Tate loves to feel you kick.  You usually kick right after he takes his hand off and he says that’s because you miss him.  They tell you often too how much they love you.  Today Tate thought it would be so cool if I could just open my mouth and not say anything but you could talk through it.  Then he said we could hear you, since you can hear us:)  He’s a really cool boy, he’s gonna be a great big brother to you.  I want you to know how many people love you and are praying for you.  God has a special plan for you little lady.  We are trusting Him for that.  Someday you’ll know, and someday I’ll know.  But for now, just keep kicking, okay? Lots of love baby girl!!

momma

There is nothing natural in planning for your child’s death.  I have heard this so many times from others who have had to do it, but until you’re faced with it it really doesn’t sink in.  Your the mom, you’re supposed to be able to fix anything.  Kiss their owies, hold them when they fall, give them the meds they need.  But it’s when you can’t fix it that life just doesn’t seem right.

Lately, we’ve had to face some of these tough decisions.  Not because we want to, but because we probably should.  And with doing this I don’t want you to think that we’ve given up on gorgeous little Juliet, or that we don’t believe that God could miraculously heal her, because we know He can.  We just realized that we should be prepared for all situations.  As hard as it is.

This last couple of weeks we have discussed some of the possibilities.  That’s the bugger with Trisomy 18.  Every case is so different.  There is no one to tell you what’s going to happen, how it’s going to be.  I’ve had trisomy moms contact me with their stories of their kids that are 3 and 7 and living good lives, trying to bring hope…but how hopeful can I allow my heart to get?? The doctors can’t answer your questions, people who have gone through the exact same diagnosis can share the pain and same feelings but the outcomes aren’t always the same.  You have to think about all of the possibilities.   What if Jules doesn’t make it to her due date? What if she does?  What if she’s still born? What if she lives?  How long will she live?  and the lists go on.   I’m really not saying this for a pity party, I’m just stating the facts.  It’s a lot to digest.

Through this all Ryan and I have hope.  We have hope that God is using Jules and her valued life even inside the womb.  How ironic that our church sermon this week was focusing on the 6th commandment, Thou shall not murder and the value of life, even life in the womb.  I have not once thought of Jules as a fetus, she’s always been my baby…but how sweet of the Lord to remind me that her life, no matter how long or short, is of value to Him.  That it really doesn’t matter if she doesn’t get to grow old with us, because she was His to start with.  And we grab onto that.  And take hold of that.  Day by day.

Jules loves night time.  She comes alive.  My belly literally has been bouncing at night with her kicks.  Sunday night she wasn’t bouncing.  She wasn’t even kicking.  I told ry she was being quiet but didn’t really alert him to my fears because I myself didn’t want to go there.  I would push on my belly and try to get her to move and I would think I felt her, but it would be so faint.  So different from my fighter.  Needless to say I didn’t sleep good that night.  I woke up and told Ry to keep his phone on him because we might be going in,   and then I raced downstairs to have my coffee in hopes that the caffeine would get her going.  Precious girl finally did kick.  But it was a little too real.  For a while I was finding myself upset with Jesus (my emotions are a constant rollercoaster so sorry if you think I contradict myself, many times I do…so thankful for grace and mercy)  but I was upset because in my mind it wasn’t supposed to end like that.  I needed to meet her, she had a bigger purpose to serve, I was mad I have to be so aware of the kicks inside my belly.  I was just mad.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.”

Isaiah 55:8

She is not ours.  God is good.  God is love.  We trust you Jesus.

Jules received some beautiful gifts the last couple of weeks.  I came home to a bag on my table with this gorgeous blanket in from the ladies in my bible study.  The ironic thing was that the kids and I were just looking for a blankie for her that same night.  Kynlee thought the Minnie Mouse one was fitting but it’s not quite what I was looking for:)  And the coincidence really wasn’t ironic at all.  It was Jesus saying, I got this.  I’ll take care of her.  And thank you to the ladies who listen to His voice!:)

And Papa Tom and Grandma Sue wanted to get her a special outfit as well.  It’s the most gorgeous thing I’ve seen, and probably the most expensive piece of clothing my kids own:)  But perfect for Jules!

She will look beautiful in it:)

and a cute little hat that we may need to cut in half to fit her:)  The perfect saying.

We are blessed.  Blessed by your prayers, blessed by Jules, and blessed by God.