Grieving

The day we went to our level 2 ultrasound, and fully understood what we were up against, was a day I will never forget.  I won’t forget the feel of the waiting room, or the feel of the patients room.  I won’t forget the look on the doctors face when she told us the news, or the way her voice just kept on going on and on and on about everything that was wrong.  I won’t forget the pamphlet they gave us, (that I left in the waiting room) saying how if you choose to abort this baby, you don’t have to tell anyone, you can just say things didn’t work out…..or the baby didn’t make it.

There is so much I will remember from that day.  Most of what I remember though, is that this is day the grieving started.  These are when the sleepless nights and crazy thoughts took over.  This is when my eyelids were so puffy I could barely keep them open, or my head was so stuffed I could barely swallow.  This was the day I said goodbye to the dreams of having our healthy little baby girl.  And this is the day we truly lived out living by faith and trusting God.

It was crazy how we grieved this little girl from 26 weeks on, and then the day of her arrival…the day we thought we were preparing for….we didn’t need to grieve.  Instead we rejoiced, we lived in the moment, we took each day captive and we thanked God for allowing us this time.

I was nervous to bring Jules home for the fact that I knew it was going to make losing her, “again” even harder.  I have never lost anyone close in my life and wasn’t sure what “grieving” even looked like.  I tried to prepare myself with how I might grieve by reading books and seeing how others have grieved, but the day Jules was made whole, grieving became my own.  I realized there isn’t a manual, a guide, and model to follow.  Grieving is how you get through it, and it’s different for each person.  What I was most amazed by was how little tears there were, that instead were replaced with smiles.  How God truly does fullfill His promises of faithfulness and love.  How when we are weak then we are strong.  How we were so grateful for the time we had, instead of so sad for what we lost.

Don’t get me wrong, I miss the little peach everyday.  I think of her all the time.  I don’t ever want to forget.  But I choose to thank God for giving me that precious time instead of being bitter for the time we didn’t get.  And with thanksgiving God grants peace…and love….unbelievable love.

There are moments when my heart aches so badly to just hold her one more time.  I had a sweet girl who went through the same situation give me some of the best advice while Jules was still here, she said, “enjoy the weight of her in  your arms.”  And I did.  And now that’s what I miss most, my little bundle all snuggle bugged in my arms.

When we were on vacation Ryan pulled out his phone and showed me this.  I was so torn.  Part of me was so happy he had some video of Ju Ju on his phone, but the other part of me ached so badly to see her again.  I thought I’d share it with you all though….how cute she was.  We called her our little turtle, and this video helps show why.  When she arched her chin up her little skin under her neck reminded us a little turtle popping it’s head out:)  Man I miss that girl!

 

 

In that day you will say: “Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done, and proclaim that his name is exalted.   ~Isaiah 12:4

Website Pin Facebook Twitter Myspace Friendfeed Technorati del.icio.us Digg Google StumbleUpon Premium Responsive


10 Responses to Grieving

  1. Ashley says:

    I found your blog while searching for Proverbs 31 blogs and stumbled across this story. What a beautiful story-and little girl! You are so strong. I admire that you didn’t chose to terminate and instead gave your beautiful little girl a chance to experience being loved. Thank you for sharing.

  2. Darlene says:

    Thanks for sharing your love of our Lord and our Lord’s love for you. What an inspiration. Praying for your family.

  3. mugsie says:

    “enjoy the weight of her in your arms.”
    May you remember God is holding ou in His arms!!! Give Him your weight! Grieving goes on and let the tears fall, they help the healing. You have gone thru alot and have had to be so strong, time to go ahea and cry! Words alone cannot heal, you need time to grieve so give it to yourselves. Hold eachother, cry, remember….Cherish, etc…but whatever it takes….Its ok……xxxxooooo

  4. Angela says:

    Remembering all of you in prayers often!

  5. brielle says:

    Oh how I wish we hadn’t all been so sick when baby Jules was here…I wish the kids could have gotten to see her again..Damien still prays for baby Jules & Auntie Allie…every night!! She made such an impression even tho he only saw her twice

  6. Anna says:

    Thank you for sharing Jules with us. My 9 year old son just looked over as i watched your video and said “Jules!”, she has touched his life as well and taught him lessons. She certainly has glorified God with her life.

  7. jes ellson says:

    I have followed your journey since Ryan’s cousin meghan shared your blog on her fb page. Your faith has been an inspiration to me and I continue to pray for your family. As I read this entry on your blog I am sittingat Rice Memorial in Willmar waiting for my unborn nephew to be born asleep. I am in mn on vacation and thought I’d get to hold him, hear him cry and feel him wiggle. Instead i am comforted by the fact that he is already with our Lord and hopefully playing with your precious Jules :).

    • allie says:

      I’m so sorry to hear that, and so thankful we know this isn’t our home yet. Those kiddos must be having one awesome play date with Jesus!!

  8. Jaselyn Utecht says:

    So so precious!!

    • Peg Beckstrand says:

      Your little girl was beautiful! She will never be forgotten by all who lives she touched in even in the tiniest way……….take comfort in knowing she was and still is the most perfect little girl in so many ways.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *