When we found out at 26 weeks that Jules was deemed “incompatible with life” all I could think of was how I wish this “trial” in our life would pass. Meaning just that. That I wouldn’t have to carry this child any longer that I knew I couldn’t keep. That God would take her right then and there. That I could push it all behind me and start over.
Raw but true.
Little did I know the blessing the Lord would give us. And the funny thing is this, while others said that they would never have been able to do it, I was so grateful God CHOSE us to do it. Not right away at first, but it came. It came after we chose to give thanks to God for this precious life. It came when we saw the body of Christ be Jesus to us. It came when we felt Jesus in a way we’ve never felt before, as indescribable peace, and it came when God said, “I got you, I’m not leaving you.”
And we were blessed.
Blessed with a girl we couldn’t keep. Blessed with a treasure more precious than jewels. Blessed with an experience richer than anything this world can offer.
After Jules left us though, although we were all the richer for having her/knowing her/holding her, we were still left with a hole in our hearts. A yearn for a precious baby. That bundle that sleeps on your chest for as long as they will let you put them there. The yearn for little footsteps again and babbling talk and giggles. A yearn for another baby. A yearn we thought the Lord would grant us easily because of what we had gone through. But one that ended up coming in patience.
Testing when we lost another baby to a miscarriage 8 months after Jules was born. Testing when we had months with no results, when normally it was so easy for us. And questions. Maybe the Lord wants us to be done? We need to be happy and content with the two precious kiddos we have. And we are so happy with them. Trust me when I say I don’t write this post to get pity, because I have encountered so many want to be mommas out there that are dealing with infertility and years upon years of trying. And for this my heart aches. But the reason I write this is because our timing, our ideas, our happily ever after does not depend on how many kids the Lord chooses to give us. It doesn’t depend on how easy our lives are. It doesn’t depend on the things we acquire or the accomplishments we achieve. Although so often that’s how we gauge it. Our happiness and content rests in the fact that Jesus is our Lord. That He loves us through all the difficulties. That everyday He desires to pursue us and show us His peace and love that He wants to offer so freely if we let Him. And that this world is not our home….it is our waiting place until we can enter into His presence.
Trust me when I say this is a lesson that I am learning a little bit more of everyday. That it is hard to see past the facade of this world, the media, the materialism, the judgement and the list goes on. It is hard to keep our eyes focused on the one true thing that matters. But that is our call. And I have learned that when that is what we do, when we keep our eyes focused, the blessings come. They came through a little girl that we got to love on for 38 days, and they came through this sweet little peanut…
Whom we got the pleasure of seeing a week ago. A little sweet pea that appears to be healthy!
and that waved to us with OPEN hands, which was a huge blessing to see.
We told our family right away so that we could have extra prayers for peace for this babe. Our minds can become our enemy if we let them wander, but God was so gracious to give us peace and enjoy every moment so far:)
Remember this picture…
The one I had to totally crop because we wanted to get the green light that everything looked good on the ultrasound before we publicly shared…
and can now show off the baby belly I love!
We are 21 weeks today, and oh so excited to welcome a sweet little bundle into the world around August 21st! Ryan has never wanted to find out the sex of any of our babes. He would say we compromised and found out with all three:) Good guy too. So this little peanut will be a surprise. And I must say I’m quite excited for it!
I so wanted to share this fun news with you all because you have been such a huge support through our lives, and many of you who we have never even met have said prayers for our family. We are so humbled and we love you:)
19 weeks and counting….