Reality

If you look at this picture, what’s the first thing you notice??

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That this closet is super messy??

That I wish winter would be done so all the gear could go too?

That allie needs some organizational help?

Well, although those are all screaming out loud…the first thing I notice when I open my front closet, every time I get a coat, is that little brown box on the top shelf.

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That one, sitting right there.

I notice it because it has precious cargo in it.

It has our baby girl in it.

Some may think it odd that this is where we’ve chosen to put “her.”  But to be quite honest, this again was one of those things I never would have thought about in a million years.  Of course we talked about what we would do with her little sweet body, we knew we wanted her cremated.  The momma heart in me didn’t want to spread her ashes everywhere….all reason goes out the window when you have to start thinking like this, but I honestly just thought I don’t want her spread all around.  I completely 100% believe my baby girl is in heaven, but this is the only tangible thing there is left of her on this earth, besides memories and pictures….and for some reason there is still such an irrational, emotional attachment to it.  We knew we wanted to bury it by a special tree with her sweet rock our family gave us, and create a spot to remember and go to.  But the reality is that we brought her home in November, when the dirt was froze and no trees were being planted.

I remember coming home after her funeral and we had a house full of family and a brain that no longer functioned, but a sweet daddy who after we all came in, went back out to the car and said, I had to get her, I didn’t want her to be cold out there.  Ryan is such a good daddy!  And he set the box right on our kitchen table.

And it stayed there for over a week.

 I didn’t know what to do.

 I felt if I put her “away” somewhere it was dishonoring, but I also knew I didn’t care for her to be on display on our mantel or anywhere else.  So eventually to the closet she went.

Tonight was the first night I pulled the box down.

Our friends, who also happened to be the funeral guys… paid for this beautiful white marble urn for her…

we are so blessed.

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It’s little…which is fitting.

and oh so pretty…which is also fitting.

and it makes me miss her even more.  It’s funny how some say time helps heal, and I’m sure it will eventually….but for now it makes me miss her all the more.   All her little buddies that were born right around the same time are getting so big.

 Life goes on.

The daily grind keeps grinding.

and I just cherish every time my kiddos mention her, because it means they haven’t forgotten.

So I really don’t know why I’m writing this post tonight, probably just because I miss her and this is how I deal with it.

And because I don’t want her forgotten.

And because in some crazy way I want her to know that I’m thinking of her all the time and wish I could give her a little kiss on those sweet lips but I can’t.  So tonight I’ll ask Jesus to.

and eventually this pretty little urn holding my baby girl in will be by a tree like this..

and it will be a beautiful tribute to a beautiful little lady.

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24 Responses to Reality

  1. Laurie (Petersen) White says:

    We’ve never met, but I have ties to Cokato, as that’s where I grew up. I came looking for your site tonight, because Jules has not been forgotten. God brought her, and your family, to my mind tonight, and so I came looking. And I found this entry. Your story and especially God’s story through you, touches me in many ways. God is so evident and present in you, even as you grieve. Thank you for your transparency, and your faithfulness to our mighty God. He will not disappoint.

  2. Jen says:

    Breydon still prays for Jules every night at bedtime. We have definitely not forgotten her in our house. We continually pray for your guys that God will shower his love and peace on you. We love you guys.

  3. Susan says:

    Allie,
    I heard about Jules while I was on my own maternity leave and visiting my mom. A friend from her church stopped by and told me your story. I went home that night and read your entire blog while holding my daughter who was born a week after Jules. I prayed and prayed and prayed for Jules, for you, your husband and your children while I was on my leave and cried so many tears with the ups and downs of your posts. Today, your post touched me in many ways. It hit emotions and feelings and guilt and faith that I never knew existed. I so admire you. I wish that my daughter, Melayna, and Jules could have met and played together but I know that she is looking down on us with my dad, and my nephew who left us prematurely at 22 gestational weeks, and her new best friend Jesus, and they are anxiously awaiting our arrival. God bless you and your family!

  4. grandma nell says:

    I miss this little peanut! i miss her little tiny features…miss her fuzzy hair…miss her cry….miss those little sighs and sounds she made…i miss seeing you and ryan loving on her and holding her. I just plain miss her!! Tonite I dont want to let Jesus be holding her….I want her back home with you two and tate and kynlee. . But I know in my heart that His ways will someday make more sense to us than our ways do. You and ryan are doing a great job ‘surviving this loss and healing as a family. answers to prayers!!

  5. Gail Nelson says:

    She will never be forgotten, She will always remain so close to your heart.

  6. Grace still thanks Jesus that Jules is in heaven when we pray at night! She never met Jules…I dont think she will be forgotten! :) What a sweet hope in Christ to see her again!

  7. Carrie says:

    You have no idea who I am… but I heard about your blog through a friend of mine and I couldn’t help but falling in love with your precious little Jules and praying for her. I prayed for a miracle and realized that (really) she already was a miracle. She was beautiful and perfect because she was created by God. I, too, have dealt with the loss of a child (twice). I have two of those precious little urns in my closet and today as I read your blog it touched very close to home. I had similar feelings. We eventually bought a beautiful little shadow box to place them in along with any (ANY) keepsakes that I had. I periodically pull them out (of my personal closet) and reflect on those times, cry, touch, heal, deal. Time helps, but there will always be such a tender place in my heart for the babies that left this earthly life much too soon for my liking… and some days are easier than others when it comes to grieving. Please know that you are being prayed for as you move along the journey of grief. God speed.

  8. anne says:

    Allie, I first found you on facebook, never dreaming you had a blog until I created my own. You are strong . I know all about being strong, 20 something years ago the Drs. were going to let me die. My name means “pure graceful one”.; my first and middle name combined which is Ironic.

  9. heidi says:

    I never got to meet her but through your stories I felt as if I did know her. I greive with you Allie. I cry with every blog you write about her. I miss her too I miss hearing about the new things she is doing and seeing pictures of her and her Einstein hair. Praying for you. Sleep well in HIS arms tonight.

  10. Thinking of you and praying for you tonight. Jules won’t be forgotten, but I’m so glad you shared you heart. I was scrolling through all of your pictures of sweet Juliet the other day and I just couldn’t help but smile at how beautifully her Heavenly Father crafted her precious body. Even the urn is like a little jewel. HUGS

  11. alexis e says:

    Nope, she will never be forgotten!! My ‘big’ (4 and 6 year old) girls will randomly say “tell us the story of Baby Jules again, Mom!” So of course I tell what I know and then one of them usually says “…so then we’ll see her when WE go to Heaven!” :) Just wanted to share that she’s being remembered even by people who don’t ‘really know’ your family. :)

  12. Marcia Johnson says:

    I think of baby Jewels every time I look at my china hutch shelf and see her little stone I brought home after her visitation. I say a little prayer for her and remember how blessed we are. I will never forget Jewels either!

  13. anna johanneck says:

    Baby Jules will never be forgotten…my grandma passed away last week and little Addy asked if she was going to live in heaven with baby Jules! It was so precious!

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