I’m not outgoing by nature.

I’m awful at going up to people I don’t know and introducing myself.

I’m not a natural leader.

I’m somewhat of an introvert.

I’m a homebody.

I find myself getting worked up if I have more than one or two things going on in a week.

I love deep relationships and have found I only need a few in my life.  This way I feel like I can truly invest into them.

Therefore when I found out I was pregnant with a sweet baby girl that wasn’t going to make it…I somewhat hated the attention.  If it were up to me I would have locked myself in my house until I was ready to come out again.  Who knows how long that would have been.  I needed an outlet (this blog) to express my feelings, to grieve, to inform.  I needed some form of therapy, but honestly…I hated talking about it out loud with people.

So I wrote.

Jules’ story has been captured on this blog and I’m so grateful for that.  I am so grateful that she continues to help mommas who are going through the same fear/anxiety/uncertainty as I was.  I hear from those mommas often, and I am grateful, blessed actually, that the Lord continues to use my baby girl and our story in this way.

But you see….sometimes the Lord wants to know we are willing.  Although my story is out there in blog land.  Forever google worthy…He asked for more.  He wanted more.

Although my comfort zone is my home, behind a screen, He knew that and said do you trust me?

Because what happened is people started to contact me to tell “my story.”  To share what the Lord had done in our lives.

And I said no.

No.  I didn’t need to.  I already did that!

But He kept knocking.  I ran until I couldn’t sleep at night because I knew I was saying no to God.  So I made a deal with him.   Alright Lord….just this time.  Famous last words.

I told him if you could give Moses words than surely you can give me words.  And it has to be you God.  I am not a speaker, I am not a teacher, I am not a leader.  I don’t want this, but you keep bringing this to me…so I say yes.

And you know what?  He pulled through.  Huge surprise I know…

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.  Philippians 1:6

And I realized something that God continues to confirm, WE ALL HAVE STORIES! and we need to tell our stories.  We are relational and we need to help each other through in this world.  We need to connect, and encourage, and cheer lead, and push ourselves out of our comfort zones.  We need to testify and challenge, and run this race with others.  And I realized (which really is Jesus showing me) that when we do this, we.are.blessed.

So this last year I have told my story.  It gets a little easier every time ;) And I’ve been encouraged through it.  The Lord continues to take the ugly and turn it into beautiful.    And trust me, if the Lord can use this introvert, homebody…He can use you:)

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This was an opportunity I got to speak at the church camp I grew up going to.  My momma is on the left and  the camp directors wife is on the right.

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and talk about full circle moment.  I spoke at chapel at Northwestern university St. Paul, where I went to college 10+ years ago…crazy!




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8 thoughts on “BUT I DON’T WANNA….”

  1. I am so happy you did this! Camp Forest Springs is such as an awesome place :) I have great memories of going there for camp.

  2. Molly Kirkpatrick

    I am so grateful for your willingness to speak about what the Lord has laid on your heart! We were incredibly blessed to have you speak at our MOPS group this week – thank you, thank you! :)

  3. So proud for your willingness to open your heart and share a piece of it. So brave and empowering. Many blessings to you and Ryan.

  4. Thank you for for the courage to allow God to work through you! So many are blessed in ways you may not see. Praying God continues to pour out His blessings on your family!

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