Last night I was laying in bed, and it was one of those nights that the Lord puts all sorts of things on my mind.  Nights that I say, okay Lord…I hear you.  I start praying  for people, start talking to Jesus, and my heart is opened.  Of course Jules usually comes to my mind as well.  And last night my heart just BROKE for all those little babies like Jules that never get to enter into the world.

But more importantly, my heart just BROKE for the mommies and daddies of those babies that let fear, uncertainty, judgement, and panic miss out on THE BIGGEST blessing they may witness.

I’m not going to lie and tell you Ryan and I weren’t scared when we thought Jules had a cleft lip/pallet.  Our baby would be DIFFERENT.  People might STARE.  Beauty is seen in OUTWARD APPEARANCE to so many in this world.  I wanted it FIXED.  I wanted her to BLEND IN. I wanted her to be NORMAL.


Am I glad she WAS different.  People DID stare, because she was so cute:)  Her outward appearance WAS different, and it gave us opportunities to share Jesus.  She COULDN’T be fixed, but she’s perfect now!  She by no means blended in and she WASN’T normal.  She was extraordinary!  She was a miracle, she was a lesson to be learned, she was a blessing, and she was my baby girl.

I’m writing this as well for all the mommies that are facing a trisomy 18 or 13 or genetic/chromosomal disorder.  A diagnosis where doctors give you no hope, in fact some of them even scare you into what your baby may be.  A diagnosis that seems a death.

I was there.

I was scared.

I didn’t think I could do it

I was scared she would die.

I was scared she would live.

I didn’t know if I could raise a supreme special needs baby for a year, 5 years, 10 years….

In a blink of an eye our lives changed.

I remember standing in the shower a week before Jules came and the Lord gave me such clarity.  He showed me eternity.  And I told Him, Lord, if you have it in your plans for her to live for 20 years, we’ll do it.  Our work on this earth will be to serve others, serve our baby girl.  Our lives here are SHORT!  Eternity is forever!  And I want to honor you Jesus.

Funny thing is is that that’s all God wants from us.  He wants us to surrender our will to follow His.  He wants us to be WILLING.

Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done.

–Matthew 16:24-27

I wish I could say that I always have such clarity.  That eternity is always so easy to see.  But I fail at that every day.  But I do pray for a renewing of my mind.  In a very hard world.

So to the mommies and daddies that are dealing with a similar situation that are looking for answers.

for hope.

for peace.

Had we listened to the doctor who told us we could take care of this “situation” as our lively baby girl was on the screen kicking and moving……


We would have missed out on the MIRACLE of her birth..


Fluffy hair..


tubby time…


sibling love..


snuggles all day long…


and lessons learned by all of us of what true beauty is.

What following God’s will looks like.

 How the body of Christ holds you up.

How prayer truly is our most powerful weapon.

How God is ALWAYS there.


and Peace…

amazing peace.

“Taking care of the situation” would have left me with unanswered questions.


An empty hole.


Because at the moment we may think it is the easiest solution.  They may sugar coat it and say you are doing a favor for the baby.  They may make you believe it’s not a precious life.  But YOU are the one that has to live with the decision.   YOU  are the one that will remember when everyone else forgets.    YOU are the only one that can protect them.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.   –Psalm 127:3

But last night, my heart broke for the mommas that missed out on this blessing.  The mommas who weren’t sure.  The mommas that loved their babies with all their heart but didn’t know what to do.  Didn’t know if they could handle it.  These were the mommas I was praying for.  I was praying that they know God STILL loves them.  That there is forgiveness….and hope.  Unending hope in a God that is full of love.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.  –Romans 15:13

I’d love to chat with you, to love on you a bit:)  To show you where to find that hope, that love!  You can always email me at alliemay425@gmail.com   I’d love to hear from you!


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20 thoughts on “Fear…”

  1. Allie thank you so much for posting this blog, my daughter is going through the same thing, you could have written her story. She is not due until August. I cried when I read your story and have cried through each one of her experiences. Your blog has given me hope as a grandmother that I might have the privilege of holding my granddaughter before she passes to the other side.

  2. Allie- I want to say Thank You so much for writing about your sweet baby Jules. I have a very similar story to yours in the fact that we found out first about the cleft lip and we are now currently awaiting results about if our sweet baby girl has trisomy 18. It is very nice to hear the exact same thoughts I have had over the last two weeks. I too have wanted to blog about my experience regardless the outcome but haven’t made the time at this point.

  3. Love you sweet Jules :) Thank you for showing us how precious a little life can be – no matter how many days are lived on this earth.

  4. My goodness, God works in mysterious ways. I came to your blog from pinterest (painted curtains) and just wow. this world needs more people like you. thank you for sharing your heart. i’m sure it was hard.

  5. I recently started following your blog because I saw your framed grain/flour (?) sacks in the background in a pin on pinterest. I am happy that I stumbled upon your story and your little family. I have no experience with baby loss; I have two kiddos of my own and couldn’t even imagine the journey you’ve taken. But for anyone, having lost a baby or not, I would like to tell you that you are an encouragement and a witness for Christ on this blog of yours. Thank you.

  6. christina larsen

    Beautifully spoken. So much hurt in the world and Jesus is the way to healing. Thanks for sharing your story. I love reading your blog.

  7. This is exactly why our Heavenly Father created her as He did!
    Not enough people witness, far to little is being spoken for the Lord, and this is God’s way of spreading the Good News.
    Others will look and question why, well, this opens the door for telling the world of her Testimony!
    Life is hard at times, and we are to ( Give our difficulties to Jesus )
    Their is only “ONE” answer to everyone’s issues, JESUS CHRIST!
    Jesus Christ and His finished work on the Cross!
    The world is full of sin, and because of Adam’s fall, we All were born into an “imperfect” world, only through the shed Blood 0f Christ on the Cross can we become ” Justified and Sanctified ”
    Praise the Lord!!
    God Loves us all, give it All to Him!

  8. I am one of those mamma’s. Our first baby was diagnosed with T18 at 20 weeks and I knew I wasn’t strong enough to deliver to full term. To this day, I’m not sure how I feel about it. Loosing our first baby crushed the life and breath out if me for so long. I am in awe of your strenght and faith.

  9. Thank you ALLIE for sharing :) And you are so right thats just what the DOCTORS will tell :( I have been in a similar situation…..its hard :)


    Susan Howard

  10. Absolutely loved this post. I stumbled apon your blog a couple weeks ago and at first it was your decore that kept me coming back, but now, by far its your ability to make someone who doesn’t know you at all want to come closer to Jesus and strengthen my relationship with Him. Thank you for your openness. It’s truely inspiring!

  11. Thank you for this! What an incredible testimony you’ve been blessed with. God is good–all the time. I can’t say I have AT ALL experienced what you did and are experiencing, but when Becca was born not breathing, and then when they said terms like “brain damage” and “seizures” and “abnormal brain activity”, I had that moment of clarity: No Matter What, my precious girl is here. No matter what, her life has collided with ours, and no matter what, our lives were forever changed. Her presence in our family would help shape and define us. We are so incredibly humbled that God intervened and healed Becca’s brain, and it’s true–this little girl has forever changed us. Just as yours did you. Thank you for sharing your heart!

  12. Maggie Spink Schmoyer

    Thank you for blessing me with this post. God has used you and is using you in such a huge way and your heart is so precious. Thank you for being so open and letting others learn and grow through you.

  13. tears of thanks…..this one goes out to our friends….Matt and Sara Thode and baby Zella Jo
    to those who want to visit her caringbridge site and add Zella and her family to your prayer list…..

    Allie.. continued prayers for your family

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