The day we went to our level 2 ultrasound, and fully understood what we were up against, was a day I will never forget. I won’t forget the feel of the waiting room, or the feel of the patients room. I won’t forget the look on the doctors face when she told us the news, or the way her voice just kept on going on and on and on about everything that was wrong. I won’t forget the pamphlet they gave us, (that I left in the waiting room) saying how if you choose to abort this baby, you don’t have to tell anyone, you can just say things didn’t work out…..or the baby didn’t make it.
There is so much I will remember from that day. Most of what I remember though, is that this is day the grieving started. These are when the sleepless nights and crazy thoughts took over. This is when my eyelids were so puffy I could barely keep them open, or my head was so stuffed I could barely swallow. This was the day I said goodbye to the dreams of having our healthy little baby girl. And this is the day we truly lived out living by faith and trusting God.
It was crazy how we grieved this little girl from 26 weeks on, and then the day of her arrival…the day we thought we were preparing for….we didn’t need to grieve. Instead we rejoiced, we lived in the moment, we took each day captive and we thanked God for allowing us this time.
I was nervous to bring Jules home for the fact that I knew it was going to make losing her, “again” even harder. I have never lost anyone close in my life and wasn’t sure what “grieving” even looked like. I tried to prepare myself with how I might grieve by reading books and seeing how others have grieved, but the day Jules was made whole, grieving became my own. I realized there isn’t a manual, a guide, and model to follow. Grieving is how you get through it, and it’s different for each person. What I was most amazed by was how little tears there were, that instead were replaced with smiles. How God truly does fullfill His promises of faithfulness and love. How when we are weak then we are strong. How we were so grateful for the time we had, instead of so sad for what we lost.
Don’t get me wrong, I miss the little peach everyday. I think of her all the time. I don’t ever want to forget. But I choose to thank God for giving me that precious time instead of being bitter for the time we didn’t get. And with thanksgiving God grants peace…and love….unbelievable love.
There are moments when my heart aches so badly to just hold her one more time. I had a sweet girl who went through the same situation give me some of the best advice while Jules was still here, she said, “enjoy the weight of her in your arms.” And I did. And now that’s what I miss most, my little bundle all snuggle bugged in my arms.
When we were on vacation Ryan pulled out his phone and showed me this. I was so torn. Part of me was so happy he had some video of Ju Ju on his phone, but the other part of me ached so badly to see her again. I thought I’d share it with you all though….how cute she was. We called her our little turtle, and this video helps show why. When she arched her chin up her little skin under her neck reminded us a little turtle popping it’s head out:) Man I miss that girl!
In that day you will say: “Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done, and proclaim that his name is exalted. ~Isaiah 12:4