It’s amazing how I think I’m going to keep up with my blog so much better and then each day passes and somehow posting pictures of home goods and projects just don’t seem quite as important. Even though they are getting me through some of the hardest times…oddly enough. So I find myself using my blog more to express my feeling and thoughts. Something Ryan tells me I do much better writing than speaking:) and for my family and friends who maybe think I’m crazy because I seem quite “normal” or for those who feel like I’ve been more distant. I’m sorry. Because I have. It’s such a hard thing to explain, so I don’t. So thank you for sticking with me and by me and understanding during this time.
I will say that with the situation that the Lord has given us there are many ups and downs. I would even go so far to say that this last month I have really not cried for Juliet, or for myself (which is usually more) but have had an amazing God like peace. A peace that passes all understanding. I attribute that to the many many prayers that are going up for our family and baby Jules and continually thank you all for carrying us during this time. This last week we had our yearly Corn Carnival in the town Ryan grew up and we had fun. I was able to visit with people and when they said how are you doing, or we are praying for you, I was able to truly smile and say God is good. We are blessed. I have peace.
Today was a new day. Jules’ due date is in 6 1/2 weeks. With that number comes a new reality. I can no longer pretend everything is fine. I can’t just feel her kicks and think this is like every other pregnancy. I find myself getting more and more nervous. My sister called yesterday and was so excited for a friend that went into the hospital to have her baby. Although I raised my voice and acted excited, in the back of my mind was how different our “going into the hospital” story is going to be. What will our outcome bring. And my heart just longed for that happy, healthy, pure joy experience I have had 2 other times in my life.
On top of that my sister went in for her ultrasound today. With 2 boys at home she found out she was having a girl. So exciting! I am truly truly excited for her, and I know you’re reading this sister…and I am. But today I couldn’t help but think if Jules and her would have been best friends someday. I couldn’t help think why can’t our little girl be perfect. I couldn’t help think how differently we came home from our ultrasound.
Ryan said it well when he came home and said sometimes it’s just hard when we are going through some low times and others are going through high times in their life. You so desire to be happy for them, it’s just that some of your experiences and life struggles get in the way. On top of my sister being pregnant, I have a sweet sister-in-law who is due a week before me, a friend who is due a week after me, and two more great friends who are due after that. Again this is not a pity party for myself, and I know every one of you sweet sisters are reading this so I guess I just wanted you to understand. I am SO happy for you, and don’t want you to doubt that for a minute. But it is hard for this momma. It’s getting harder and harder to see babies when I wanted one yesterday:) As due dates are approaching I ask for extra strength. Jules kicks so hard and I so desperately want to believe everything is “normal.” And I think at times I pretend I do. But as time gets closer I have to stand firm on the fact that God is in control. Abraham and Issac have often come to my mind. Lord, if you can use this child to advance your kingdom, then she is greatly used. A huge sacrifice for this momma, but I trust you Jesus. And Lord God if you want to heal her in the last hour so be it:) I got this message the other day and I was blessed by it. The Lord speaks through all of you:)
I put my hand on my belly today and began to pray for my 14 week old baby. I prayed that God would guide it’s growth and bless my baby with health. Then I stopped. The question came to me, is that my ultimate goal for his/her life? Really? Is that “success” in my pregnancy? My baby WILL be with Jesus if it is not born “healthy”. Safe and sound. And if God chooses to use it’s life, long or short, to save or touch another, I can’t think of a more honorable or successful “living” than that.
So I changed my prayer. That God would bless my baby’s life and that He would use it to further His Kingdom. “Healthy” or not.
Forgive my naive point of view on this subject, Allie. I just wanted to send this thought your way and let you know that I think of you often. Your experience is teaching me so many lessons- even helping me get through my last pregnancy which ended in miscarriage. You and Jules are a blessing to me!
When I feel like a mess and all tangled up inside, I blog. So thank you for listening to me wrestle with my emotions and letting them out. Thank you for being patient when I don’t want to talk and understanding when I do. Thank you to so many people who just give me a hug and squeeze and don’t say a word but I know exactly what you mean, and it means the world. And most importantly, thank you for letting me know that this little girl is changing lives and doing big things for the kingdom. I can not imagine how people do this without Jesus, and without people who love Jesus by their side.