Highs and Lows

It’s amazing how I think I’m going to keep up with my blog so much better and then each day passes and somehow posting pictures of home goods and projects just don’t seem quite as important.  Even though they are getting me through some of the hardest times…oddly enough.  So I find myself using my blog more to express my feeling and thoughts.  Something Ryan tells me I do much better writing than speaking:)  and for my family and friends who maybe think I’m crazy because I seem quite “normal” or for those who feel like I’ve been more distant.  I’m sorry.  Because I have.  It’s such a hard thing to explain, so I don’t.  So thank you for sticking with me and by me and understanding during this time.

I will say that with the situation that the Lord has given us there are many ups and downs.  I would even go so far to say that this last month I have really not cried for Juliet, or for myself (which is usually more) but have had an amazing God like peace.  A peace that passes all understanding.  I attribute that to the many many prayers that are going up for our family and baby Jules and continually thank you all for carrying us during this time.  This last week we had our yearly Corn Carnival in the town Ryan grew up and we had fun.  I was able to visit with people and when they said how are you doing, or we are praying for you, I was able to truly smile and say God is good.  We are blessed.  I have peace.

Today was a new day.  Jules’ due date is in 6 1/2 weeks.  With that number comes a new reality.  I can no longer pretend everything is fine.  I can’t just feel her kicks and think this is like every other pregnancy.  I find myself getting more and more nervous.  My sister called yesterday and was so excited for a friend that went into the hospital to have her baby.  Although I raised my voice and acted excited, in the back of my mind was how different our “going into the hospital” story is going to be.  What will our outcome bring.  And my heart just longed for that happy, healthy, pure joy experience I have had 2 other times in my life.

On top of that my sister went in for her ultrasound today.  With 2 boys at home she found out she was having a girl.  So exciting!  I am truly truly excited for her, and I know you’re reading this sister…and I am.  But today I couldn’t help but think if Jules and her would have been best friends someday.  I couldn’t help think why can’t our little girl be perfect.  I couldn’t help think how differently we came home from our ultrasound.

Ryan said it well when he came home and said sometimes it’s just hard when we are going through some low times and others are going through high times in their life.  You so desire to be happy for them, it’s just that some of your experiences and life struggles get in the way.  On top of my sister being pregnant, I have a sweet sister-in-law who is due a week before me, a friend who is due a week after me, and two more great friends who are due after that.  Again this is not a pity party for myself, and I know every one of you sweet sisters are reading this so I guess I just wanted you to understand.  I am SO happy for you, and don’t want you to doubt that for a minute.  But it is hard for this momma.  It’s getting harder and harder to see babies when I wanted one yesterday:)  As due dates are approaching I ask for extra strength.  Jules kicks so hard and I so desperately want to believe everything is “normal.”  And I think at times I pretend I do.  But as time gets closer I have to stand firm on the fact that God is in control.   Abraham and Issac have often come to my mind.  Lord, if you can use this child to advance your kingdom, then she is greatly used.  A huge sacrifice for this momma, but I trust you Jesus.  And Lord God if you want to heal her in the last hour so be it:)  I got this message the other day and I was blessed by it.  The Lord speaks through all of you:)

I put my hand on my belly today and began to pray for my 14 week old baby. I prayed that God would guide it’s growth and bless my baby with health. Then I stopped. The question came to me, is that my ultimate goal for his/her life? Really? Is that “success” in my pregnancy? My baby WILL be with Jesus if it is not born “healthy”. Safe and sound. And if God chooses to use it’s life, long or short, to save or touch another, I can’t think of a more honorable or successful “living” than that.
So I changed my prayer. That God would bless my baby’s life and that He would use it to further His Kingdom. “Healthy” or not.
Forgive my naive point of view on this subject, Allie. I just wanted to send this thought your way and let you know that I think of you often. Your experience is teaching me so many lessons- even helping me get through my last pregnancy which ended in miscarriage. You and Jules are a blessing to me!

When I feel like a mess and all tangled up inside, I blog.  So thank you for listening to me wrestle with my emotions and letting them out.  Thank you for being patient when I don’t want to talk and understanding when I do.  Thank you to so many people who just give me a hug and squeeze and don’t say a word but I know exactly what you mean, and it means the world.  And most importantly, thank you for letting me know that this little girl is changing lives and doing big things for the kingdom. I can not imagine how people do this without Jesus, and without people who love Jesus by their side.

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11 thoughts on “Highs and Lows”

  1. Looking back to when my baby boy died, I know I occasionally (not often) made comments that were harshly blunt or bitter and that made people uncomfortable. Or sometimes I just didn’t feel like talking and didn’t put forth an effort to be properly “social”. But if ever there is a time to overlook less than ideal behavior, it’s when a person is going through a time like this. All your true friends know this.

    Shortly after my baby died, Kenny Chesney came out with a song “Who you’d be today.” It starts out with “Sunny Days seem to hurt the most”. The Corn Carnival happened to be a few weeks after my baby died. It hurt. I had to leave because I just wasn’t “in that place.” If you don’t know what I mean by “Sunny Days hurting” I hate to say it, but you will. I can’t imagine how it must be waiting, but at the same time wanting to stop time and just let her keep on kicking away.

    I too felt supported by other people’s prayers. It’s not something you can really describe. My prayers are with you as well.

  2. Hello,

    I stumbled upon your blog today. I’m sorry that your baby is so ill. We lost our third son, Benjamin, to hydrops fetalis in utero almost 8 years ago.

    A book that really helped me after he died was “Safe in the Arms of God: Truth from Heaven About the Death of a Child” by John MacArthur.

    In Christ,
    Heather

  3. Precious Allie, I just wanted to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know the women from our Monday night Bible study have been praying for you and your family. It’s amazing how the Holy Spirit can give us peace in the most difficult times. I know I have experienced that in my past illnesses. My prayer is that your family will continue to feel His arms wrapped around you and give you the peace that only our Lord can give you. Thanks for sharing your heart and my prayer is that it will bring you some healing. My thoughts and prayers are with you my sister in Christ.

  4. Hi Allie,
    I don’t know what to say except that I pray that Jesus wraps his arms around you and ALL of your family.

    Tate was telling me in children’s church a few weeks ago about his two sisters and how his one sister, Jules might not be here long because she might go to be with Jesus. I thought, in the midst of all of this you are preparing your family for whatever may happen and how brave you are. I fought back the tears as he told me and just gave him a big hug.
    Your are in my thoughts often and prayers daily. I love miracles and even though I know God is control and He is good, I am still praying for a big, big miracle. We love you all!!!

  5. What a wonderful blog you have written and what a hard thing to do, Jules sure has one sweet momma, and dad too. You are so right without Faith nobody could go thru this or anything in life. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you each day. One thing is for sure, Sweet Jules is letting everyone know that she is kicking for a reason . Take Care all of you. Gail Nelson and Family

  6. Our definition of a perfect baby hadn’t really been considered before. When we met Anthony and the other babies in the NICU, I realized that every baby is perfect. Anthony’s perfect is a little different than others, but they are all perfect. It sounds like Jules is a fighter, and I hope you get to enjoy some of that spunk for a long time!

  7. Hi Allie. I sit here sobbing as I read your recent blog. As you asked that people around you understand that sometimes you feel like talking and sometimes you don’t, etc., … I’m asking that you understand and forgive me for my silence. It is no reflection of my thoughts or prayers on your behalf. I just simply do not have ANY idea what to say to you. If I was there, I imagine I would be one of those who hugs you tightly and says nothing … hoping you understand. But because I can’t give you that hug, the only thing I can do is write. And there are no words. I get afraid I will say the wrong thing in ignorance. Please know that you and Ryan are loved, thought of often, and prayed for. You are a wonderful testimony of strength and truth. Thank you for being so transparent in your writings. It is powerful for those of us reading it, and I hope it is therapy for you to get your thoughts and feelings out. Loving you …..

  8. I saw this poem Allie and I thought of you!! Giving you and Jules a big squeeze: you are who you are for a reason. You’re part of an intricate plan. You’re a precious and perfect unique design, called God’s special woman or man. You look like you look for a reason. Our God made no mistake. He knit you together within the womb, you’re just what he wanted to make :) love ya girl

  9. Allie, Each Monday I look for another bolg from you ! But just wanted to let you know i’m still saying a little prayer for you, your husband, & baby JULES. And we all know GOD can heal this baby @ any moment. Hope you have a good weekend and get plenty of rest.

    ~ In Christ, Susan Howard

  10. Oh sweet sister, I have thought many of the same things. As soon as I heard she was a girl I had tears down my face so excited and yet mourning the friendship these two may never share. But I praise the Lord for the impact Jules has had on the kingdom and the glory her life has already brought to the Lord. I pray our sweet girls life may someday have the impact Jules’s has already had. We have been there through heartaches and loss and I know the Lord has allowed us this special connection. God is so good in understanding our human needs. I am so proud that you are my sister! Our sweeties will one day know each other with perfect bodies and princess crowns!

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