Pushing through the hard - Parenting
Lately you have been seeing a lot of Kynlee of IG and everyone loves seeing the close relationship we have, but it hasn't always been that way....
So I wanted to take a minute to write this blog post to encourage any moms who are going through a hard spot with their child right now, that to persevere through is WORTH IT! And to not just give up.
Starting around age 11 Kynlee started getting really hard for us. I know the pre-teen years can bring extra hormones and drama, but I was feeling like I had no idea what I was doing parenting anymore. When they are younger it seemed so much easier to me. Make boundaries, be consistent, have consequences, raise good kids. And the algorithm seemed to be working awesome. We always loved being around our kids, we weren't embarrassed to take them in public, we got compliments on how well behaved they were. We were confident in what we were doing.
Until it weren't.
All of a sudden I found myself with a pre-teen daughter that changed up the algorithm on me. My status quo parenting techniques weren't working. And we weren't quite sure what to do or how to pivot. I found myself at a loss and also not enjoying my child, which was the most heart-breaking feeling of them all.
It wasn't like Kynlee was being terrible, but there was disrespect where there hadn't been before, she didn't seem to care what we said or how we felt, and we would catch her lying to us many times. It seemed like her innocent joy had left her. And I'm sure some of you reading this are quite surprised hearing this because of the Kynlee you see on IG, one 4 years later that looks drastically different than what I am describing. And that's why I decided to write this post, because looking back I am SO GLAD we didn't give up on her, we didn't GIVE IN to her, and we never stopped LOVING her.
It was actually at a Classical Conversations day that a mom I looked up to that has 3 daughters a stage above mine shared a piece of advice that stuck with me. She said, whatever you do, DON'T LOSE THEIR HEARTS. That little statement has a lot of weight to it and also had me thinking, but how do I keep her heart when it seems so far away. And when I really sat on that I realized that through the hard, I still needed to not only keep her heart and influence over her life, but also train her heart. Because I don't know about you, but an 11 year olds heart can be very deceitful. The thoughts that come into it aren't usually based on a solid foundation or grounded in truth. And even though they have big feelings and they need to be validated, they also need to be corrected.
I think as a culture and a society today, we have bended our convictions as parents, we've bended our boundaries, to make our kids happy. And if we know what happiness is, it doesn't last. It's a hit of dopamine that's there for a minute and gone the next. But if we can train them and teach them how to have true JOY, then we have something that lasts and doesn't waver with circumstances around us.
So instead of giving up and allowing her to retreat to her bedroom or entertain her with friends who constantly understood her and validated her heart, we made sure to keep her a part of the family. To let her know she was needed and she was wanted. We put healthy boundaries on friendships and alone time.
We stayed true to our convictions that we had about social media and smartphones and said no when she asked because everyone has it and she's left out. We kept our home a safe place where there weren't 100 voices in her back pocket at all times and she could run to find whatever voice she wanted to hear at the moment.
We treated her the same as the rest of the kids, even when it was harder to be around her. I especially found myself having to preach "his mercies are new every morning" and wake up with a heart full of forgiveness and grace toward her. A blank slate from what the day before held. And this is something that is really hard for me to do, so it was a struggle at first, but something that proved to be very powerful.
And we continued to keep communication open, even when it seemed one sided. We stayed consistent in our parenting, we stayed consistent in our boundaries, we stayed consistent in our long term view for our kids and our family. Which is to raise kids who love God and love others. It is so hard, but the more you can look at the long term goal, the final outcome instead of the instant day to day gratification, it shapes and molds your parenting in a different way.
And now, as an almost 15 year old, I am so happy to report that I love being around Kynlee. She's one of the funniest kids I know. She brings a smile to my face daily, we laugh often, and we get each other. And just last night I was talking to hear about this post I was making. I said, remember when we weren't' very close and our relationship was hard? And she giggled and said "yeah." And it was almost as though she was embarrassed at how she acted. But it wasn't that, it was just that her heart needed some training. She needed boundaries she didn't want. She needed consistency she was fighting against, and she needed to know she would be loved always. She told me that she never felt like I treated her different than the other kids. That we stayed true with our parenting even in the hard. And honestly that was like balm to my soul because I felt for awhile like I was messing up big time, like I was ruining it, and that we would never be close.
So this is me telling you moms-put the work in, do the hard, keep the end goals and don't cave to cultures guidelines or your childs heart. And from the other side I'll tell you, it was worth it:)
