So many times I run from reality. I can talk to people about our “situation” with a straight face and no emotions because I believe those things will happen in another life. I put myself on so called repeat. Deliver the news, explain the facts, stay away from emotions. I don’t know if this is healthy or not, but for me it is my life. I can’t go there everyday. Every hour. Every kick. I can’t allow myself to think what will actually happen and what it actually means when there are no more kicks. When I lay in bed at night (Jules’ favorite time to play) and feel nothing. Or when I think about going into labor and not having any idea of the outcome. Will I hold my baby alive, will I get to see her open her eyes?? Or will I be left kissing and cuddling and whispering in her ears that are now perfect with Jesus how much her mommy and daddy love her. I just can’t bring myself to do it on a daily basis. Cause when I do, my world stops. I can’t function.
Some days I’m forced to go there, like today at a doctors appt. We had to discuss a birthing plan and medical care. I asked my doctor if she has ever delivered/doctored a trisomy mama and baby before. In 25 years or so of practice, she hasn’t. Lucky me. We had to discuss all of the many many possibilities that could happen. What to do if baby stops moving, goes into premature labor, makes it til the due date, is born alive, is born dead. These are the hard days. These are the days that seem without hope. These are the days I have questions for God.
- Why me?
- How can I be so in love with a baby I only feel and have not seen?
- What is your plan?
God is faithful. He meets me.
As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.
Ecclesiastes 11:5 NIV
“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.”
Isaiah 55:8 NLT
So I choose to trust in Him, Daily. Daily I choose to believe that the Lord grieves with me as I cry and rejoices with me when I feel Jules kick. I trust that he knows all things, and works all things out for good for those who love Him. I choose to believe that Jules’ life is serving a higher purpose. That He is using her in a mighty way. I choose to believe the Lord does not want me to hurt, but wants to be glorified through our story. So I choose to rejoice over the blessing he has entrusted us with, as long as He gives her to us. And I ask for you to rejoice too with us instead of just being sad for us.
God chooses to speak in so many ways all around us. We have to be willing to hear Him. Lately, God has been speaking through you to us. We have received some of the most heartfelt messages, prayers, and bits of wisdom that I believe are from God. I’m going to just share two that have left Ryan and I feeling blessed to have such a special girl as Jules in our life. That allow us be joyful:)
I am so broken for you as a mom this morning, and as I prayed for you and Juliet on my knees, I couldn’t stop the tears. I can’t begin to imagine the pain you must feel, and how you are functioning at all is a miracle I believe. You are so brave. Im so proud of your honesty and struggle as you walk this arduous road.
This is gonna sound, well, a little crazy, but I wanted to share… Not sure why God said this to me, but he did, loud and clear this morning during devotions. I wanted to share it, even though it I know I sound crazy. I hope thats ok. But as I mourned for precious Juliet and what could have been, and all you will miss as a mom, God said to me (and gave me a picture) “don’t mourn for her short life, rejoice that she will get to live her life in my glorious presence, for I have a high calling on her life, and she will dance in my courts for me.” It was a beautiful site. I still can’t stop the tears, and my heart is still heavy for you, but from here forward I am resolved that when I pray for her, I will rejoice and praise God for her dancing too. He is calling me to rejoice over her.
Though I cant begin to imagine how you feel day to day, and no matter how you feel today, or how hard it is, know that it’s ok to feel that way. Continue to mourn how you need to and be honest with God, for he is calling people to stand in the gap and pray and be strong and have hope on days you cant.
Thank you Jesus:)
Ryan, Allie, Tate, Kynlee, & Juliet Faith,
Miracles happen around us everyday. I never read facebook. Today I knew from your link in my email I needed to read it. It has moved me and I have spent hours praying I can say something that helps your wonderful family on this incredible, but painful, journey!
I have worked with terminally ill children and their families for years. It was my lifes passion. I know several things from that association. They are hand picked by God for a very important job. They are the best of the best in families and parents. The gift God gives them is his most delicate, most precious, and yes most beautiful children who have precious little time on this earth but every moment matters. What a gift from God that he picked your family for Juliet! It is hard to see pain as a blessing but she will do more in her lifetime than any of us accomplish in decades.
Never let anyone say she is not beautiful! I love that you went and looked at the faces of trisomy children and saw the gorgeous children. All children with birth defects because they are not from trauma are beautiful if we can just change our description of perfect as made in God’s image. It is so hard to surrender to God’s plan but truly going with the tide and not resisting is truly putting yourself in God’s timeline and plan and saying that you will allow his will to be done. It then becomes less of a burden. You are an instrument of him. He is in charge. You do not feel so helpless and your loss of control is taken on by God and his love. Her story is already changing lives. I call it crossing paths.. you cross paths and impact people but you see 10% of the impact. The other 10% is silent. Mothers think of you and read their kids a story or stop and answer their questions because your story reminds them they are blessed.
Allow yourself the time to grieve over the baby you were pregnant with and lost– that normal baby that was so deep in your heart.. and then realize to fill that hole God gave you this wonderful special child to fill your days and gaps and to make you all stronger and more grounded in what really matters in life. We set to much importance on material things when the really important things are right in front of us.. our children.
Surround your family with memories of Juliet and what she does do.. impact others.. the visual differences are so people notice and so flaunt her beauty. Treasure every hour God gives you. When he takes her celebrate her entry into heaven knowings she is an angel and has not left but ascended to her new job. If you allow yourself you will feel her impact always. She will not be gone.. just waiting the day you reunite. Make sure she tells stories of how she had the best family in the world. It will be her turn to speak and yours to listen. Till that day talk to her.. tell her about her brothers and sisters, her dad, her family.. tell her about God and his power and your blessings.. she will hear you….
Keep reaching our and sharing. People are listening who are in pain and your story will give them comfort. I teach nurses to take their faith to work. I pray for you and Juliet that you have nurses who care and witness to God. Those who embrace her beauty and share in the joys, not the pain. You are aware of the problems so tell them you do not want others to grieve.. you have already done that.. now you embrace God’s gift .. you may want to take the faces of those children with you and keep them at your bedside adding a picture of Juliet after she arrives.. the faces of Gods special children. Allie how often are you asked by God to nurture and protect an angel.. how awesome is that role… I am blessed to be your aunt.. let me know how I can help. Your family will be in our families prayers daily.
We truly are blessed by every one of you. Thank you!!
I’ll leave you with this today, this song is not new, but the first time I heard it was 5 minutes before my doctors appointment today. I choose to believe it was God speaking again. And I cried:)