If you look at this picture, what’s the first thing you notice??
That this closet is super messy??
That I wish winter would be done so all the gear could go too?
That allie needs some organizational help?
Well, although those are all screaming out loud…the first thing I notice when I open my front closet, every time I get a coat, is that little brown box on the top shelf.
That one, sitting right there.
I notice it because it has precious cargo in it.
It has our baby girl in it.
Some may think it odd that this is where we’ve chosen to put “her.” But to be quite honest, this again was one of those things I never would have thought about in a million years. Of course we talked about what we would do with her little sweet body, we knew we wanted her cremated. The momma heart in me didn’t want to spread her ashes everywhere….all reason goes out the window when you have to start thinking like this, but I honestly just thought I don’t want her spread all around. I completely 100% believe my baby girl is in heaven, but this is the only tangible thing there is left of her on this earth, besides memories and pictures….and for some reason there is still such an irrational, emotional attachment to it. We knew we wanted to bury it by a special tree with her sweet rock our family gave us, and create a spot to remember and go to. But the reality is that we brought her home in November, when the dirt was froze and no trees were being planted.
I remember coming home after her funeral and we had a house full of family and a brain that no longer functioned, but a sweet daddy who after we all came in, went back out to the car and said, I had to get her, I didn’t want her to be cold out there. Ryan is such a good daddy! And he set the box right on our kitchen table.
And it stayed there for over a week.
I didn’t know what to do.
I felt if I put her “away” somewhere it was dishonoring, but I also knew I didn’t care for her to be on display on our mantel or anywhere else. So eventually to the closet she went.
Tonight was the first night I pulled the box down.
Our friends, who also happened to be the funeral guys… paid for this beautiful white marble urn for her…
we are so blessed.
It’s little…which is fitting.
and oh so pretty…which is also fitting.
and it makes me miss her even more. It’s funny how some say time helps heal, and I’m sure it will eventually….but for now it makes me miss her all the more. All her little buddies that were born right around the same time are getting so big.
Life goes on.
The daily grind keeps grinding.
and I just cherish every time my kiddos mention her, because it means they haven’t forgotten.
So I really don’t know why I’m writing this post tonight, probably just because I miss her and this is how I deal with it.
And because I don’t want her forgotten.
And because in some crazy way I want her to know that I’m thinking of her all the time and wish I could give her a little kiss on those sweet lips but I can’t. So tonight I’ll ask Jesus to do that.
And eventually this pretty little urn holding my baby girl will be by a tree and it will be a beautiful tribute to a beautiful little lady.