I was so planning on doing a home decor post of my mantle today. It looks beautiful. Ry did a great job. I even took pictures. But I just couldn’t quite do it. Maybe tomorrow….
Yesterday we got the call from the genetic counselor. I’m just going to copy and paste the email I sent my family yesterday..
Well, today we got the call. Can’t lie and say I’ve been dreading getting the call for the last 10 days, some people asked if I could even stand waiting and maybe I should call them, but in my head I didn’t want the call at all. I didn’t want to know. I wanted to pretend like it was a crazy bad dream and that my little Jules was perfect. It came back that she has full trisomy 18. The genetic counselor talked to me about creating a birth plan, having everything in order now for when the time comes. Talk to funeral homes and get that lined up. Reality comes crashing down a little too real. I thought I’d email because I don’t like talking about it all the time. I so appreciate all of the prayer and support from you all but please don’t be offended if I don’t care to hash it all out. We are still taking it one day at a time and know that our God is mighty and can do all things, but I feel like I have lost all hope of any sort of life for this baby. I have told the lord that he can take her home, allow her a life with no pain and sadness. We still are praying the lord reveals to us now and In the years to come the purpose of her life. And we continue to pray that she is used in a mighty way. We are just trusting in God in how he will do that. With all the selfish thoughts that run through my head of how I want a baby now, how I’m going to be pregnant forever, how I want Kynlee and tate to have a little sibling that’s not 5 years younger, I have to still myself and remember that this little girl never was mine to start with, that god has perfect timing and that HE will take care of her!
Love to you all!!
Ryan and Allie
My sister-in-law responded with a blog she had found journaling the story of another trisomy 18 baby…her writing style is amazing and each post is only a few sentences long. It was so encouraging reading of someone who was going through the exact same feeling as I have been. Here is one post that I felt like she crawled into my head…
Driving home from that ultrasound with the doctor’s prediction of Trisomy 18, I remember looking at the seemingly normal drivers around me thinking, “That person is okay, their day unexciting, their life not rocked with bad news.”
And then again a few days later, on the way home from the amniocentesis, I stopped into Target. I remember standing by the shopping carts watching people chat, get carts, check out, and just move and breathe without effort. I saw a family I know, but was too stunned to walk over and start talking. It felt like a scene out of a movie, where people are busily spinning around, but you’re at a standstill trying to remember what normal felt like.
I can’t recall receiving such heartbreaking news before. Information so sad it’s paralyzing. Thank heaven though, regardless of one’s state of mind or emotions, the world keeps on spinning. You’re forced to clear spaces in a foggy mind to keep functioning. Life changes. Thoughts are often preoccupied. Tough decisions are made. But needs must be met–particularly in a family with four other sweet, healthy, busy kids–thereby preventing “shut down” as an option.
I’ve found functioning through grief, just keeping myself busy with the mundane, is a helpful survival skill. I realize this skill will be further refined by other events as life continues. It’s not a bad lesson.
Another lesson learned? Buying makeup at Nordstrom is far more fun than therapy.
and she loves makeup as much as I do:) It also gave me such a peace to love on little Jules as long as Jesus lets us. p.s. it also made me bawl. Be warned. You can find the blog here.
As for me, I’m going to go shopping for the cutest little premie outfit I can find for this little girl and pray to Jesus I get to enjoy her in it. Thanks grandma sue and papa tom:)