Results..

I was so planning on doing a home decor post of my mantle today.  It looks beautiful.  Ry did a great job.  I even took pictures.  But I just couldn’t quite do it.  Maybe tomorrow….

Yesterday we got the call from the genetic counselor.  I’m just going to copy and paste the email I sent my family yesterday..

Well, today we got the call.  Can’t lie and say I’ve been dreading getting the call for the last 10 days, some people asked if I could even stand waiting and maybe I should call them, but in my head I didn’t want the call at all.  I didn’t want to know.  I wanted to pretend like it was a crazy bad dream and that my little Jules was perfect.  It came back that she has full trisomy 18.  The genetic counselor talked to me about creating a birth plan, having everything in order now for when the time comes.  Talk to funeral homes and get that lined up.  Reality comes crashing down a little too real.  I thought I’d email because I don’t like talking about it all the time.  I so appreciate all of the prayer and support from you all but please don’t be offended if I don’t care to hash it all out.  We are still taking it one day at a time and know that our God is mighty and can do all things, but I feel like I have lost all hope of any sort of life for this baby.  I have told the lord that he can take her home, allow her a life with no pain and sadness.  We still are praying the lord reveals to us now and In the years to come the purpose of her life.  And we continue to pray that she is used in a mighty way.  We are just trusting in God in how he will do that.  With all the selfish thoughts that run through my head of how I want a baby now, how I’m going to be pregnant forever, how I want Kynlee and tate to have a little sibling that’s not 5 years younger, I have to still myself and remember that this little girl never was mine to start with, that god has perfect timing and that HE will take care of her!

Love to you all!!
Ryan and Allie

My sister-in-law responded with a blog she had found journaling the story of another trisomy 18 baby…her writing style is amazing and each post is only a few sentences long.  It was so encouraging reading of someone who was going through the exact same feeling as I have been.  Here is one post that I felt like she crawled into my head…

Driving home from that ultrasound with the doctor’s prediction of Trisomy 18, I remember looking at the seemingly normal drivers around me thinking, “That person is okay, their day unexciting, their life not rocked with bad news.”

And then again a few days later, on the way home from the amniocentesis, I stopped into Target.  I remember standing by the shopping carts watching people chat, get carts, check out, and just move and breathe without effort.  I saw a family I know, but was too stunned to walk over and start talking.  It felt like a scene out of a movie, where people are busily spinning around, but you’re at a standstill trying to remember what normal felt like.

I can’t recall receiving such heartbreaking news before.  Information so sad it’s paralyzing.  Thank heaven though, regardless of one’s state of mind or emotions, the world keeps on spinning. You’re forced to clear spaces in a foggy mind to keep functioning.  Life changes.  Thoughts are often preoccupied.  Tough decisions are made.  But needs must be met–particularly in a family with four other sweet, healthy, busy kids–thereby preventing “shut down” as an option.

I’ve found functioning through grief, just keeping myself busy with the mundane, is a helpful survival skill.  I realize this skill will be further refined by other events as life continues.  It’s not a bad lesson.

Another lesson learned?  Buying makeup at Nordstrom is far more fun than therapy.

and she loves makeup as much as I do:)  It also gave  me such a peace to love on little Jules as long as Jesus lets us.  p.s. it also made me bawl.  Be warned.  You can find the blog here.

 

As for me, I’m going to go shopping for the cutest little premie outfit I can find for this little girl and pray to Jesus I get to enjoy her in it.  Thanks grandma sue and papa tom:)

 

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11 thoughts on “Results..”

  1. Hi Allie! I have been reading your blog and am sad to hear what you are going through. Your story rang a bell with me and it took me a bit to realise why. My cousin sits on the board for a non profit in Louisiana and it dawned on me that the group was established because of an experiance very similar to yours. I know not much is comforting these days but I hope that Maddies Footprints might be able to offer some assistance. Good luck, I am praying for you and your family!

    http://maddiesfootprints.org/index.php

  2. I have been following your blog after I saw a prayer request from my friend Laurie Terning. As a mother of two, I can only imagine the sadness and pain you have in your heart right now. As I read your latest entry I had tears streaming down my face, but as I wipe those tears away, I am inspired by your amazing faith in our wonderful Lord and Savior. I will continue to pray for you and your family during this difficult time. Thank you for sharing your story and your amazing faith.

    God’s blessings to you.

  3. Allie and Ryan
    Thinking of you all as you go thru this, my mom went thru it many years ago, she always told me the only way she made it was thru My dad, her Faith, and her Family and Friends. May you find comfort in knowing others care and are praying for you.
    Gail Nelson

  4. Bonnie Rosheim

    I wanted to say this before, but when I read what your family is going through, I think of the movie, “Letters to God”. There is one part in there where the little boy that is dying is talking to a wise old man. I don’t even remember the little boys name, but what I do remember is the wise man saying, “God chose you to be His testimony.” And so I think, God chose Jules. He chose Jules. None us know what the outcome will be yet, but I think of all the hearts your family is already touching, how many seeds are being planted, or even lives being changed. God chose Jules. Hold on to that. God knows how special Jules already is and He is using her for His glory.

    Praying daily for your family,
    Bonnie

  5. Always thinking of you and your family! Jules has touch my life already in so many ways. She maybe small but she sure is mighty. Jules i pray you keep fighting this battle, i pray you get to see the face of your beauitful momma to feel the warmth of her skin on yours. Your momma is one heck of a lady ;)

  6. I stumbled across this on facebook through a mutual friend (Cyndi H). As another mother who had to bury her baby, I had to comment. My Nicholas was stillborn. We had no idea anything was wrong until he was gone. It may have been due to a cord/placenta issue but they couldn’t say for sure. Yes, your word is rocked. It seems unfathomable that other people are going on like normal. Do what you need to do, talk when you need to, don’t force yourself to when you don’t want to. Sometime I thanked people for their call but said I just wasn’t up to talking just then. I wanted to get back to staring at the leaves blowing on the trees. Your true friends will understand. Tomorrow, my son would be 7, his birthday is always hard. You’re going to feel this one for life. My prayers are with you.

    1. Wow Janet, I couldn’t have said it better, thank you for that. It’s not often many people truly understand and when they do it’s comforting:)

      1. Julie nesbitt

        Allie, We are friends of Tom and Sue. We love them dearly and met them through church!. Please know that we are praying for you and your family. My husband and i had a stillborn son (our only son) twenty two years ago. He was our first born. I agree so much with Janet. Talk when you need to don’t if you don’t want to. I am hear to lean on should that need arise. Tom and Sue know how to reach me. You are such a Godly woman. I admire you. Prayers for you and your family!

  7. Allie:

    I sat at the pool today and watched a chubby baby girl bouncing in her grandma’s lap. Healthy babies remind me Allegra wasn’t built to last. Thankfully, we also knew about the Trisomy 18 before Allegra came so we could thoroughly prepare for everything to come.

    I hope you find peace and comfort as you prepare and make difficult decisions. You will love Jules absolutely whenever she comes, however she comes. And you will be astounded by the love and support family, friends and neighbors generously offer as you celebrate and mourn your sweet baby Jules.

    It seems unfathomable, but you will be okay, eventually. Please contact me if I can help you in anyway.

    Love and best wishes, Ali Pulley

    1. Thank you so much for your blog and your response. I can not tell you how comforting it was in a very sad way (sorry you had to go through it too) but to know someone else truly gets it. The exact same circumstances and thoughts. You have brought some peace through your beautiful Allegra:) thank you!

      Much love from our family to your beautiful family!!
      Xoxo
      Allie lundeen

  8. The quote from the blog is sureal. It brings me back to when Eric died. The emotions that came with the reality that everyones life was still moving, when ours was standing still. Such a weird state to be in.

    We love you, we have felt that pain, similar pain yet obviously different. A sudden pain of lost dreas and hopes for the future, all the things that changed in a moment. During this time, we will stand still with you and ryan!

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